We landed in Dubai on Friday the 18th and had an entire day to peruse the area. We enjoyed the opulent sites from the man-made islands to the Burj Khalifa and even walked through the pristine white sands and dipped our toes into the Persian Gulf. Saw and even went into the world largest mall, The Dubai Mall where you can do, be, and have anything from your wildest dreams and an incredible water show that makes the Bellagio jealous. The police drive Lamborghinis, Mercedes, BMW, and other insanely fast and ridiculously expensive vehicles and you can even get fined for driving a dirty vehicle (yes, seriously!)
The next day we boarded a plane that took us to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, the country's largest city and capital and it was vastly different than our experience in Dubai. We were greated by a driver and a staff member of our adoption agency once we left the airport and immediately you could tell things were vastly different. We got into the car and were told it was late in the day we could rest and see the girls the following day or head directly there. I am sure you can imagine our choice!
The city somehow crams FIVE million people into every nook and cranny imaginable! There was never a space without a body as far as you could look down into streets and alleys. It was incredible the number of people creating an almost beehive scene as we drove down the streets. Here there are also no laws regarding driving other than "it's always your fault". Cars make there own lanes as 95% of the time there are no lines on the road and you find yourself on what should be a 2 or 3 lane highway 5-6 cars wide. Insanity doesn't describe it. And if that chaos wasn't enough, people cross the highways at pretty much any time or place they feel and remember, it's always the drivers fault! Basically imagine human Frogger meets apocalyptic city escape and you somewhat can begin to fathom the craziness one encounters on the roadways of Addis. I was ever so thankful for our brilliantly skilled driver who was able to edge between cars with a paper, and I am not exaggerating, paper thin space on both sides. (Read...I was terrified every time we got in a vehicle HA HA HA!) We would of had to have walked everywhere if driving had been left to us!
After much traffic, dust and smog inhalation, and curious onlookers inspections at we "frengies" (white people), we arrived at a quite cobbled lane filled with private residences, schools, and our children's only home they know so far.
The staff member accompanied us and knocked quietly on the gate and we were met with friendly "selam" and ushered in. Children were running around giggling, playing, some were a bit upset with one another, but in general a beautiful site that reminded me of recess at a schoolyard. The girls either recognized us from photos or were told by nannies but they ran calling us "Mama", "enat"(sister) and "Babba" and ran with arms opened. This moment was beyond what we expected or hoped for. Although we knew and were prepared for EVERY woman and man to be called "mama" and "babba" it was amazing how warm they were to us allowing us to hold and hug on them. We were expecting a more standoffish greeting, but that was a treasured moment and reception that overwhelmed this longing mama's heart!
Even though I was THERE, holding my girls, showering them with hugs and kisses, it still felt dreamlike. After all, for almost 8 years I imagined holding a child not of my womb but of my heart and it was finally here. Since I beheld their faces in our referral email on April 24th, 2015, I imagined their faces, their smiles, their personalities, what our first meeting would be like, ranging from magical to horrible, I had ran through umpteen scenarios. I had imagined them for so long, it was hard to recognize this moment as anything other than a daydream, but praise God it was real, genuine, and finally happening!
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Thursday, December 17, 2015
finally
It is current 3:40 am and I am absolutely unable to sleep for the 5th night in a row.
You see 5 days ago we received 'them'. These magical letters we had heard others receiving but we always felt so far away from receiving. PAIR letters. These magical letters grow families.
Oh the obstacles it took to receive these infamous white 8.5 X 11 inch, 2 page glories of wonder. 4.5 years, more paperwork than can fit in a file drawer, fingerprints...many fingerprints, doctor physicals, social work visits, TB screenings, vaccinations, police clearances, FBI clearances, back ground checks, financial documentation, certifications, training, readings, unicorn hair and leprechaun gold to be exact.
It started off in early 2011 when we asked for more information regarding an agency called America World Adoption (AWAA). In the middle of that year we had decided to pursue adoption through the country of Ethiopia. All of this took place after a long attempt to be trained and adoption ready for the US foster care system that started in December of 2008.
We began pursuing dossier documents in 2012 and submitted them to Ethiopia in July 2012. At the time our expected wait was 8-12 month to completion. Through various, unavoidable situations and circumstances beyond our, or our agency's control, we waited. And waited. Oh go ahead and throw some more waiting on the pile...about 3 years worth...
Then the first sign of hope happened. Our referral. Two precious little girls had been identified as a perfect match for our family and just seeing their faces for the first time, I had to agree. They were indeed ours. I felt it with every fiber and stitch of my being. Those were the daughters of my heart I had began pursuing in 2008, they were the missing pieces our family needed.
At that point PAIR came into play. We had to 'patiently' wait for documents to materialize that would allow us to submit our adoption paperwork for these girls to be reviewed by both the Ethiopian governments and the US governments.
There were weeks with no updates, no great news, and definitely no progress, and days when we would hear of a single document coming in hand. Weeks and months where there was no movement due to rainy seasons, court closures, traveling personnel, etc...We had to learn to cling to small signs and windows of hope. Eventually all the necessary papers came in, the necessary clearances and court documents from Ethiopia and we could submit our paperwork to the US side.
As much as I am aware of the mysterious "Murphy's Law", it seemed to rain on our parade throughout much of this process. MANY clerical and typographical errors were made from our names, to dates of birth, to addresses, to email. I kid you not a document had Judson born in 1918 and we had a Florida address with a New York zip code!
Eventually all criteria were met, satisfied, documented, and sent to whatever fragments of our 3 addresses we have held since beginning the process and divinely made there way to our home. The magical PAIR letter. The letter that means all participating parties in this adoption agree that these girls need a new forever family and that we can be that family, and obviously we hold ZERO issues with this and cannot wait!
So the PAIR letter comes on a Saturday when I am away from my mailbox-stalking-seat. So I didn't sleep mainly from excitement of submitting this to receive a court date (read MEET the girls and legally become their mom!!!!!!!!) Monday morning we receive word from our agency that those sneaky angels had saw the letter over the weekend and had been looking into it. Naturally Ethiopian court was closed Monday and Tuesday that week, BUT they had hope that we could get a date that would mean leaving that same week to meet the girls and go to court, but the catch was we wouldn't know for sure until court reopened that Wednesday. Knowing we 'may' have to leave Thursday we took a huge step of faith and purchased non-refundable tickets and anxiously, I mean patiently, awaited the word on Wednesday.
Wednesday.
We are on the docket. We are heading to Ethiopia! We will be a family of 5 just before Christmas. And the day we get the blessed confirmation?!?! My birthday. The same day I received confirmation that I was going to be a mom for the first time back in 2006 to our currently 8 year old bundle of awesomeness with a splash of drama and charisma!
Finally.
I dreamed a dream in 2006 that led me to go from being a school & career driven individual to melting my heart towards motherhood. In 2008, I had a similar dream that led me to believe I would be a mother to at least one child that would not be my own, which began our adoption journey. I often wondered along the painfully long road why I just didn't desire to try and have more children. I thought of how many kids I could have 'had' in the time, but in April of 2015, when I saw their faces, I knew THAT is why I never had that desire, THEY were the children meant for us! God knew all along and carved and designed our hearts to desire adoption. Had we not have followed those little whispers of our calling back in 2008, we could have missed out on all the critical knowledge, training, emotional and spiritual learning we have obtained during our long, intense wait for these girls. Adoption takes more than finances(not all adoption is expensive) and paperwork (there is lots no matter WHAT or HOW you do it), it stretches who you are, it brings aches and pains, and longings, and sadness, but it also brings joy and hope and an enrichment of who you are if you allow God to work through the dark and arid places.
My husband has always had this beautiful peace about it all. A faith, to this day, I wish I had. A reassurance that whatever is meant to be will be and God will work it all out. I stressed over the cost and paperwork and moving, but he was steady. His faith and patience were formed better than mine! I have struggled, longed, cried, begged, cried, hit my knees more times than I can count, cried, cried, cried, did I mention I cried? I went from being a person that rarely let people see that side of me to be a blubbering baby. And that's ok. I learned to lean on people, to ask people to pray, to admit my struggles and doubts, to learn to cry in front of others, to allow others to know I didn't have it all together (sadly once I learned this freedom, I may have taken said freedom to extreme HA HA). I became ok being flawed, being impatient, being emotional, and I hope when this is all said and done I can look back and see that my faith has grown, that I have grown, and that I have learned.
We leave tomorrow morning to begin our journey to meet our girls in a few short days. I can't believe it. A moment that started over 7.5 years ago is about to see fruition. Tangible, tactile fruition that isn't mounds of paperwork, but two precious beating hearts with the most amazing smiles. I will be a mother again, my daughter will be a big sister, and my husband, well my poor husband will be engaged in even more tea parties, doll dress up, and daddy daughter dates, and I have a feeling for every stitch of longing I have had during this process that he has done so smoothly will catch up when the first boy who wants to marry one our daughters comes into view. In fact I often tease him about the idea of our girls marrying one day and I can see him squirm with anxiety...I know you shouldn't tease people, but it is kind of a relief to see this strong faith, stoic man crumble with the idea of having to walk a daughter down the aisle. I have a feeling his growth in faith will be a few years in the making HA HA HA! But for now, we reveal in the joy of preparing our hearts and home for these 2 precious wee ones. We know that this isn't the end of this journey. We just are finally starting a new chapter that will itself come with it's own set of challenges and journeys of faith and growth. And we look forward to it with breathless anticipation!
You see 5 days ago we received 'them'. These magical letters we had heard others receiving but we always felt so far away from receiving. PAIR letters. These magical letters grow families.
Oh the obstacles it took to receive these infamous white 8.5 X 11 inch, 2 page glories of wonder. 4.5 years, more paperwork than can fit in a file drawer, fingerprints...many fingerprints, doctor physicals, social work visits, TB screenings, vaccinations, police clearances, FBI clearances, back ground checks, financial documentation, certifications, training, readings, unicorn hair and leprechaun gold to be exact.
It started off in early 2011 when we asked for more information regarding an agency called America World Adoption (AWAA). In the middle of that year we had decided to pursue adoption through the country of Ethiopia. All of this took place after a long attempt to be trained and adoption ready for the US foster care system that started in December of 2008.
We began pursuing dossier documents in 2012 and submitted them to Ethiopia in July 2012. At the time our expected wait was 8-12 month to completion. Through various, unavoidable situations and circumstances beyond our, or our agency's control, we waited. And waited. Oh go ahead and throw some more waiting on the pile...about 3 years worth...
Then the first sign of hope happened. Our referral. Two precious little girls had been identified as a perfect match for our family and just seeing their faces for the first time, I had to agree. They were indeed ours. I felt it with every fiber and stitch of my being. Those were the daughters of my heart I had began pursuing in 2008, they were the missing pieces our family needed.
At that point PAIR came into play. We had to 'patiently' wait for documents to materialize that would allow us to submit our adoption paperwork for these girls to be reviewed by both the Ethiopian governments and the US governments.
There were weeks with no updates, no great news, and definitely no progress, and days when we would hear of a single document coming in hand. Weeks and months where there was no movement due to rainy seasons, court closures, traveling personnel, etc...We had to learn to cling to small signs and windows of hope. Eventually all the necessary papers came in, the necessary clearances and court documents from Ethiopia and we could submit our paperwork to the US side.
As much as I am aware of the mysterious "Murphy's Law", it seemed to rain on our parade throughout much of this process. MANY clerical and typographical errors were made from our names, to dates of birth, to addresses, to email. I kid you not a document had Judson born in 1918 and we had a Florida address with a New York zip code!
Eventually all criteria were met, satisfied, documented, and sent to whatever fragments of our 3 addresses we have held since beginning the process and divinely made there way to our home. The magical PAIR letter. The letter that means all participating parties in this adoption agree that these girls need a new forever family and that we can be that family, and obviously we hold ZERO issues with this and cannot wait!
So the PAIR letter comes on a Saturday when I am away from my mailbox-stalking-seat. So I didn't sleep mainly from excitement of submitting this to receive a court date (read MEET the girls and legally become their mom!!!!!!!!) Monday morning we receive word from our agency that those sneaky angels had saw the letter over the weekend and had been looking into it. Naturally Ethiopian court was closed Monday and Tuesday that week, BUT they had hope that we could get a date that would mean leaving that same week to meet the girls and go to court, but the catch was we wouldn't know for sure until court reopened that Wednesday. Knowing we 'may' have to leave Thursday we took a huge step of faith and purchased non-refundable tickets and anxiously, I mean patiently, awaited the word on Wednesday.
Wednesday.
We are on the docket. We are heading to Ethiopia! We will be a family of 5 just before Christmas. And the day we get the blessed confirmation?!?! My birthday. The same day I received confirmation that I was going to be a mom for the first time back in 2006 to our currently 8 year old bundle of awesomeness with a splash of drama and charisma!
Finally.
I dreamed a dream in 2006 that led me to go from being a school & career driven individual to melting my heart towards motherhood. In 2008, I had a similar dream that led me to believe I would be a mother to at least one child that would not be my own, which began our adoption journey. I often wondered along the painfully long road why I just didn't desire to try and have more children. I thought of how many kids I could have 'had' in the time, but in April of 2015, when I saw their faces, I knew THAT is why I never had that desire, THEY were the children meant for us! God knew all along and carved and designed our hearts to desire adoption. Had we not have followed those little whispers of our calling back in 2008, we could have missed out on all the critical knowledge, training, emotional and spiritual learning we have obtained during our long, intense wait for these girls. Adoption takes more than finances(not all adoption is expensive) and paperwork (there is lots no matter WHAT or HOW you do it), it stretches who you are, it brings aches and pains, and longings, and sadness, but it also brings joy and hope and an enrichment of who you are if you allow God to work through the dark and arid places.
My husband has always had this beautiful peace about it all. A faith, to this day, I wish I had. A reassurance that whatever is meant to be will be and God will work it all out. I stressed over the cost and paperwork and moving, but he was steady. His faith and patience were formed better than mine! I have struggled, longed, cried, begged, cried, hit my knees more times than I can count, cried, cried, cried, did I mention I cried? I went from being a person that rarely let people see that side of me to be a blubbering baby. And that's ok. I learned to lean on people, to ask people to pray, to admit my struggles and doubts, to learn to cry in front of others, to allow others to know I didn't have it all together (sadly once I learned this freedom, I may have taken said freedom to extreme HA HA). I became ok being flawed, being impatient, being emotional, and I hope when this is all said and done I can look back and see that my faith has grown, that I have grown, and that I have learned.
We leave tomorrow morning to begin our journey to meet our girls in a few short days. I can't believe it. A moment that started over 7.5 years ago is about to see fruition. Tangible, tactile fruition that isn't mounds of paperwork, but two precious beating hearts with the most amazing smiles. I will be a mother again, my daughter will be a big sister, and my husband, well my poor husband will be engaged in even more tea parties, doll dress up, and daddy daughter dates, and I have a feeling for every stitch of longing I have had during this process that he has done so smoothly will catch up when the first boy who wants to marry one our daughters comes into view. In fact I often tease him about the idea of our girls marrying one day and I can see him squirm with anxiety...I know you shouldn't tease people, but it is kind of a relief to see this strong faith, stoic man crumble with the idea of having to walk a daughter down the aisle. I have a feeling his growth in faith will be a few years in the making HA HA HA! But for now, we reveal in the joy of preparing our hearts and home for these 2 precious wee ones. We know that this isn't the end of this journey. We just are finally starting a new chapter that will itself come with it's own set of challenges and journeys of faith and growth. And we look forward to it with breathless anticipation!
Saturday, September 12, 2015
paperwork...and then some more!
Adoption equals paperwork. Lots and lots of paperwork.
After all it is meticulously documenting the uniting of children to a forever family, so it is to be expected. Also in the realm of adoption paperwork is delays, many delays. Since referral our agency here in the US and their counterparts in Ethiopia have been feverishly accumulating documents to submit our case to the US government in hopes of a favorable letter that will allow us to proceed in bringing our kiddos home. As paperwork has come in, many have had errors. From translation, to bad reference numbers, to incorrect dates, we have had it all.
But...
Thank goodness for but!! But, all of our papers are in and we are submitted to the US government and hopefully due to the diligence of our agency, we will not have any issues and will receive the green light to proceed to the next step which is obtaining a court date in Ethiopia to legally adopt our kiddos!
Please be in prayer for us, specifically for these needs:
After all it is meticulously documenting the uniting of children to a forever family, so it is to be expected. Also in the realm of adoption paperwork is delays, many delays. Since referral our agency here in the US and their counterparts in Ethiopia have been feverishly accumulating documents to submit our case to the US government in hopes of a favorable letter that will allow us to proceed in bringing our kiddos home. As paperwork has come in, many have had errors. From translation, to bad reference numbers, to incorrect dates, we have had it all.
But...
Thank goodness for but!! But, all of our papers are in and we are submitted to the US government and hopefully due to the diligence of our agency, we will not have any issues and will receive the green light to proceed to the next step which is obtaining a court date in Ethiopia to legally adopt our kiddos!
Please be in prayer for us, specifically for these needs:
- no delays or requests from the US government parties that review our paperwork
- a fast court date issued by the Ethiopian courts
- prayers as we try begin preparation for our trip, including trying to schedule to meet with the kiddos' biological family to obtain photos, memories, and information about them we feel may be great to have as they begin to question where they were from and about their Ethiopian family
- that we can get moved into our new home quickly and make it home for our precious kiddos
- pray that we would have wisdom and discernment as we begin to make plans on what life will need to look like once we bring them home (adoption cocooning, when to integrate extended family, when to attempt school, etc...)
Thursday, June 4, 2015
And then there was light...
Let me sum up the past 7 years.
2008
2009
2010
2008
- Had a dream that led my heart to desire to expand via adoption
- Began researching agencies in North Carolina to certify us for adoption via foster. We chose (ok mainly I chose) foster care because it seemed easier and more affordable than other routes of adoption and we both new it would most likely not be an infant.
- It took a while to find an agency to work with due to my husband's VERY busy, non-scheduled job
- Finally began training to become certified foster care parent
- again this took a while due to my husband's crazy job!
- COMPLETION...and waiting!
- As we were submitted and awaiting our confirmation as foster care parents, my husband accepted a job in Virginia
- We moved.
- Virginia did NOT accept our training/certification although it was for the same number of hours and utilizing the same research and book training.
- We begin praying and both felt strongly led to International and began researching agencies.
- After praying (notice more prayer occurring while making decisions?!?!) we felt led to America World Adoption Agency (AWAA)
2011
- Began submitting paperwork for pre-application
- Accepted into AWAA and began praying (yep...more prayers) about where to go
- We felt strongly led in the direction of Ethiopia and began submitting paperwork to enter that country's adoption program through AWAA
- Officially accepted
2012
- Began building our dossier (paperwork sent to Ethiopia to show intent to adopt)
- July 27/2012, our dossier was officially in Ethiopia and the wait began
2015
- April 24, 2015 we got the most amazing phone call a REFERRAL!!!
- Sadly I almost missed it because I 'ignored' the call. In my defense, I have received upwards of 10 phone calls and texts any given day thanks to some guy named Larry who requested quotes from various loan agencies using my phone number. And I had saved the agencies number with a special ring, but it was from 'unknown caller' so I assumed it was for Larry...anyhoo, it worked out for the best, my husband arrived home shortly after and we were able to receive the phone call together along with our 7.5 year old kiddo! It was PERFECT!
Next steps
- Update all our dossier documents since they must be recent and ours are 3 years old. DONE
- Wait for all the necessary PAIR documents from Ethiopia
- Submit a request to the US Government to recognize these kiddos as our children, this is submitted alongside documents from Ethiopia called PAIR documents. Once we clear this stage...
- Wait for a positive referral from the Ethiopian MOWCYA
- We are passed onto Ethiopian courts and are given court date.
- This court hearing declares the kiddos as ours, once we pass court...
- We can either stay in Ethiopia or return home and wait for the US Embassy in Ethiopia to issue visas for the kiddos then we can bring them home or return to Ethiopia and bring them home.
So as you can imagine, we are on pins and needles hoping all the paperwork and powers that be, find our documents ok and we move quickly!!!! Thank you for your prayers regarding these next steps!
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
When the inside and outside don't match
Ever smiled when you didn't want to? Ever answer the question "how are you" with an untruthful "fine"? Ever muster a laugh while in conversation when you just want to sink to the floor and cry?
We've all done it. But why?
We are called to "bear one another's burdens". But if your like me, you find yourself unworthy of burdening others. We fall prey to the enemy's cry that our problems do not warrant a shoulder to cry on, that people have their own burdens, that we should count our blessings instead of give moments to our troubles, take it to Jesus in prayer.
So, at times, we find ourselves bottling up, plastering up false facades, becoming solitary when the sadness is too much, eventually finding yourself alone, tired, weary, worn, feeling beaten. So if we have all been there, how do we get out? How do we unyoke our burdens, unearth our buried sadness that has left such a deep stain in our emotional soil? What do you do when your prayers and heavenward cries seem to go unanswered? Where do you turn when the Bible seems to be written in some secret code? Who can you talk to when you have estranged yourself because it seemed easier to 'go it alone'?
Today I looked over our 6 year journey of adoption and talk about emotional journey. There were some real highs of hopeful expectation and some cries for relief from the emotional stress. Today I am in a low. I had hopeful wishes for our adoption journey this past Christmas, which came and went without any sign, glint, or glimmer. I heard it a million times, " adoption isn't for the faint of heart", but like the new-parent cliché "they grow up too fast"....it's true! As well as another I can currently attest to "when it rains it pours".
In the past, I have unburied myself by setting my sights on dates /situations, it works until that date/situation comes around and expires without your expected outcome. I have found it unwise to set your hopes on things outside of your control. Also over this journey I have learned what little control we have in our lives. I have also vested into the Bible and prayer which have sometimes not been as clear as I had hoped. *please note I am not saying do not invest yourself in prayer and scripture... investing in those things will NEVER return void, but you may not see, hear, read clear narratives or directives on your situation*
We've all done it. But why?
We are called to "bear one another's burdens". But if your like me, you find yourself unworthy of burdening others. We fall prey to the enemy's cry that our problems do not warrant a shoulder to cry on, that people have their own burdens, that we should count our blessings instead of give moments to our troubles, take it to Jesus in prayer.
So, at times, we find ourselves bottling up, plastering up false facades, becoming solitary when the sadness is too much, eventually finding yourself alone, tired, weary, worn, feeling beaten. So if we have all been there, how do we get out? How do we unyoke our burdens, unearth our buried sadness that has left such a deep stain in our emotional soil? What do you do when your prayers and heavenward cries seem to go unanswered? Where do you turn when the Bible seems to be written in some secret code? Who can you talk to when you have estranged yourself because it seemed easier to 'go it alone'?
Today I looked over our 6 year journey of adoption and talk about emotional journey. There were some real highs of hopeful expectation and some cries for relief from the emotional stress. Today I am in a low. I had hopeful wishes for our adoption journey this past Christmas, which came and went without any sign, glint, or glimmer. I heard it a million times, " adoption isn't for the faint of heart", but like the new-parent cliché "they grow up too fast"....it's true! As well as another I can currently attest to "when it rains it pours".
In the past, I have unburied myself by setting my sights on dates /situations, it works until that date/situation comes around and expires without your expected outcome. I have found it unwise to set your hopes on things outside of your control. Also over this journey I have learned what little control we have in our lives. I have also vested into the Bible and prayer which have sometimes not been as clear as I had hoped. *please note I am not saying do not invest yourself in prayer and scripture... investing in those things will NEVER return void, but you may not see, hear, read clear narratives or directives on your situation*
Friday, September 26, 2014
When the Wait Hurts
Tomorrow marks month number 26 of waiting for a referral from Ethiopia and 6 years of trying to adopt.
It hurts. It literally in every sense hurts. Emotionally I am drained, physically exhausted, mentally I am just so tired and can't even begin to process waiting longer. Usually this 'sadness' hits around Thanksgiving and Christmas when I feel they should be here to be a part of all the festivities, but this year it has come sooner.
We just moved and God has been ever so faithful in blessing us with amazing neighbors, an amazing church, and other adoptive families, but I still long for those precious souls my heart already inpart belongs too. I want them here. I am tired, I am worn, I am frustrated. I am beyond ready to depart from these type of days fueled with tears and sorrow.
I am ready to rejoice, ready to cry out in victory, ready to stream tears of sweet elation down my face.
Waiting hurts.
I am praying for peace and comfort during this time between the promise and fruition. I keep telling myself to "Lift my eyes" and focus not on the waves but on the King. Today it is just hard to lift my eyes when they are so run down from crying.
I know I will go on, I know tomorrow will be another day, but for now I am glad today is over. I am tired.
It hurts. It literally in every sense hurts. Emotionally I am drained, physically exhausted, mentally I am just so tired and can't even begin to process waiting longer. Usually this 'sadness' hits around Thanksgiving and Christmas when I feel they should be here to be a part of all the festivities, but this year it has come sooner.
We just moved and God has been ever so faithful in blessing us with amazing neighbors, an amazing church, and other adoptive families, but I still long for those precious souls my heart already inpart belongs too. I want them here. I am tired, I am worn, I am frustrated. I am beyond ready to depart from these type of days fueled with tears and sorrow.
I am ready to rejoice, ready to cry out in victory, ready to stream tears of sweet elation down my face.
Waiting hurts.
I am praying for peace and comfort during this time between the promise and fruition. I keep telling myself to "Lift my eyes" and focus not on the waves but on the King. Today it is just hard to lift my eyes when they are so run down from crying.
I know I will go on, I know tomorrow will be another day, but for now I am glad today is over. I am tired.
Psalm 13
1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me
Friday, January 24, 2014
A Masterpiece in the Desert Place
I don't really know how to begin this post.
This adoption journey has been arduous, long, long, and did I mention long?
During this process I have prayed that my desire would change, that Judson and I would no longer 'want' to adopt. I have wanted to give up a million times but there is something in me that can't. Like most modern day people I am used to things being quick and patience is a virtue I have heard of but would rather not have need for. This journey has required much patience, and as I have learned to become patient, I am finding even more important than patience, this journey requires faith.
Merriam Webster describes faith "as firm belief in something for which there is no proof: complete trust", which is very similar to the bible's definition of faith in Hebrews 11:"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."
I am constantly being reminded of the need to be patient, be full of faith and trust. My husband has been a huge source of these principles. His faith and patience are so remarkable and his words have been so encouraging on my 'bad' days. When we get discouraging news, he is so quick to have the right words that remind me where my focus needs to be.
God has also reminded me in tangible ways. We heard talk of the Ethiopian government shutting down international adoptions and while waiting to hear of their course of action. I went immediately into sadness and despair, my husband was calm as a cucumber, content to wait for the news. When I would question him about what if they do close it, his reply was simple, we will pray about where we are supposed to go/apply next. I was contented with this, I was sullen. At just the right moment when I needed a peace about where we were in our adoption, a chance encounter with a sister of our first family coordinator. Who would have thought 'peace' would have come from a stranger asking me about dryer sheets in a local Target?!? I needed that confirmation and God provide it. After meeting her, I felt total peace, joy even, that we were with the right organization, the right country, and precisely where we are supposed to be. Even my husband got to sit beside a very chatty 12 year old on his last trip who was adopted and was very encouraging to him about how she felt being the adopted one.
Yes, Ethiopia still may shut down adoptions and at that point we will pray and seek God's wisdom. As my husband said, maybe this was a test of our willingness, obedience, and we must keep our faith.
During one prayer (of many) that I have had about how long we have been waiting since our initial calling to adopt. God reminded me of Abraham and Sarah. I can't imagine hearing God's promise at that age and still waiting years and years more to see if fulfilled. But HE did, HE fulfilled the promise he made. I am sure that Abraham and Sarah wanted that desire to be filled years and years before it came to pass, but I am having to learn that He is always at work and He has never abandoned His promises.
Today during my devotional I came across scriptures regarding the Israelites and their journey from a life of slavery to requiring faith in the desert wanderings to the battles needed to claim their promised land. It may seem unfair that they were slaves, then had to wander for years through barren deserts, then had to fight...FIGHT to claim the land that God had promised them before they left Egypt. What can often be missed is the provisions made, from crossing the sea, to the food and water provided EVERY day in the desert, to the ability to win their land, God was there and He provided.
I am trying to remember that points/stories in my life are like a giant canvas. During the painting I am just a little dot on the canvas and sometimes all I can see around me is darkness, grays, blacks, even mounds of paint looking like impassible mountains, but what I have to realize is that one day He, the painter, will be finished with this 'story' of my life and I will be able to leave the canvas and stand and see the work in it's entirety. When I thought there was only darkness, I find it is the shading to a beautiful scene. Without those areas of shading and darkness, a portrait would be dull, lifeless, without character or depth. There are times in my life I see nothing around me only blank canvas and I wonder is He even here, but those are the last pieces to be completed. He knows that if I see too much I may fear the road ahead, or not want to continue on. Sometimes I think He knows our heart or our character needs work.
The dark spaces of our lives are never fun. They are difficult, challenging, even frightening, but without them where would our testimonies be?
All I know is He IS at work on this adoption masterpiece, He has never left, and even if it seems so dark and grim, there is a beautiful scene waiting to be displayed in the gallery of my heart. And I cannot wait to testify to His faithfulness and begin the next canvas, the next piece to the puzzle! When I start to think and worry about what the next 'canvas' ahead may bring (bonding, language, family adjustment), I have to remember that “Don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time." Matthew 6:34
This adoption journey has been arduous, long, long, and did I mention long?
During this process I have prayed that my desire would change, that Judson and I would no longer 'want' to adopt. I have wanted to give up a million times but there is something in me that can't. Like most modern day people I am used to things being quick and patience is a virtue I have heard of but would rather not have need for. This journey has required much patience, and as I have learned to become patient, I am finding even more important than patience, this journey requires faith.
Merriam Webster describes faith "as firm belief in something for which there is no proof: complete trust", which is very similar to the bible's definition of faith in Hebrews 11:"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."
I am constantly being reminded of the need to be patient, be full of faith and trust. My husband has been a huge source of these principles. His faith and patience are so remarkable and his words have been so encouraging on my 'bad' days. When we get discouraging news, he is so quick to have the right words that remind me where my focus needs to be.
God has also reminded me in tangible ways. We heard talk of the Ethiopian government shutting down international adoptions and while waiting to hear of their course of action. I went immediately into sadness and despair, my husband was calm as a cucumber, content to wait for the news. When I would question him about what if they do close it, his reply was simple, we will pray about where we are supposed to go/apply next. I was contented with this, I was sullen. At just the right moment when I needed a peace about where we were in our adoption, a chance encounter with a sister of our first family coordinator. Who would have thought 'peace' would have come from a stranger asking me about dryer sheets in a local Target?!? I needed that confirmation and God provide it. After meeting her, I felt total peace, joy even, that we were with the right organization, the right country, and precisely where we are supposed to be. Even my husband got to sit beside a very chatty 12 year old on his last trip who was adopted and was very encouraging to him about how she felt being the adopted one.
Yes, Ethiopia still may shut down adoptions and at that point we will pray and seek God's wisdom. As my husband said, maybe this was a test of our willingness, obedience, and we must keep our faith.
During one prayer (of many) that I have had about how long we have been waiting since our initial calling to adopt. God reminded me of Abraham and Sarah. I can't imagine hearing God's promise at that age and still waiting years and years more to see if fulfilled. But HE did, HE fulfilled the promise he made. I am sure that Abraham and Sarah wanted that desire to be filled years and years before it came to pass, but I am having to learn that He is always at work and He has never abandoned His promises.
Today during my devotional I came across scriptures regarding the Israelites and their journey from a life of slavery to requiring faith in the desert wanderings to the battles needed to claim their promised land. It may seem unfair that they were slaves, then had to wander for years through barren deserts, then had to fight...FIGHT to claim the land that God had promised them before they left Egypt. What can often be missed is the provisions made, from crossing the sea, to the food and water provided EVERY day in the desert, to the ability to win their land, God was there and He provided.
I am trying to remember that points/stories in my life are like a giant canvas. During the painting I am just a little dot on the canvas and sometimes all I can see around me is darkness, grays, blacks, even mounds of paint looking like impassible mountains, but what I have to realize is that one day He, the painter, will be finished with this 'story' of my life and I will be able to leave the canvas and stand and see the work in it's entirety. When I thought there was only darkness, I find it is the shading to a beautiful scene. Without those areas of shading and darkness, a portrait would be dull, lifeless, without character or depth. There are times in my life I see nothing around me only blank canvas and I wonder is He even here, but those are the last pieces to be completed. He knows that if I see too much I may fear the road ahead, or not want to continue on. Sometimes I think He knows our heart or our character needs work.
The dark spaces of our lives are never fun. They are difficult, challenging, even frightening, but without them where would our testimonies be?
All I know is He IS at work on this adoption masterpiece, He has never left, and even if it seems so dark and grim, there is a beautiful scene waiting to be displayed in the gallery of my heart. And I cannot wait to testify to His faithfulness and begin the next canvas, the next piece to the puzzle! When I start to think and worry about what the next 'canvas' ahead may bring (bonding, language, family adjustment), I have to remember that “Don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time." Matthew 6:34
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Love
Waiting is hard. This part of the experience has been the hardest yet. Waiting. Trying not to let the feeling of hopelessness set in as the days grow into months and knowing that we may have even longer to wait. Christmas was almost unbearable. Normally I count the days almost wanting to bypass Thanksgiving just clawing at the chance to decorate and blare loud Christmas carols and watch holiday movies, but it felt so empty this year wondering why yet another holiday without our child(ren) home with us. Why we couldn't have them to make memories with? The waiting seems to be harder for me, I think because I have more time to 'think' and desire for our family to be complete. I listen to those I love assure me that God is in this, God is working, and He has not forgotten us. I have read, recited, chanted, shouted scriptures trying to etch into my soul that "He who began a work will see it through" alongside many others. I cling to words of encouragement from those who have been there but it hasn't helped that so many I have met have not had to wait like this.
I know that these desires are God given, so we persevere on this course. We lean on each other for support as we wait and trust in God and His timing. A scripture I have often sought for so many reasons has brought new meaning to my heart recently...
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
I know that these desires are God given, so we persevere on this course. We lean on each other for support as we wait and trust in God and His timing. A scripture I have often sought for so many reasons has brought new meaning to my heart recently...
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
- Love is patient
- Ugggggg.....so patience is love, waiting patiently even when my heart feels so heavy, I must wait. This also implies trust. Trusting that God is aware and not only aware of our situation but WORKING, actively to restore, heal, and bring the desires He gave us to fruition.
- Love is not jealous
- I have to admit this has been a struggle. It is hard to rejoice with those receiving referrals and going to bring their children home, when I feel so tired and weary. When a spirit feels weak, it is difficult to find joy for others, but to be as God commanded us I must love as he loves, and that is never envious.
- Love never gives up
- I can't give up. If someone were to take our daughter, I would NEVER give up, so even though my eyes have not seen this child(ren), they are mine and I keep pushing on till they are home!!
- Love never loses faith
- This too has been a struggle. Faith is "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Hebrews 11:1, KJV). I hope for these children with the evidence being my conviction to pursue them to find them and to love them. I have to have faith that God is doing this, it is already underway.
- Love is hopeful
- Finding hope can be hard, especially as the journey progresses farther and farther away from where we began, and when you cannot see the end it feels so daunting. I thank my great husband and Christian family for reminding me of all the reasons I have to keep remaining hopeful.
- Love endures all things
- all the paperwork, screening, questions, negative remarks, those who are unsupportive, the wait, the doubts, the fears, the anxiety, the enemy is actively making this journey arduous.
In applying God's commandment 'to love as He first loved us', I find it hard, nearly impossible...strike that....absolutely impossible to be love at all times. I am so thankful for His grace when I fall short of love, when I feel angry about our situation, upset by the length of time, mad at myself for not trusting initially and being 'Jonah' by trying every other route that was easier first, sad that I am missing out on moments as a family, brokenhearted seeing our daughter grow up without a sibling....
BUT
I have to hold onto what I know is true, God's promises.
He will never leave us or forget us.
He loves us SOOOO much that He sent His son to die for us.
That He who began a work will see it through.
All things work together for the good for those who love Him.
Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding but in all things submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Lessons Learned...and waiting is hard!
This has been a HARD week. I cannot begin to count the tears cried or the times I have broken or nearly broken into streams of tears. I miss our child, the one we do not yet have a face/name for, the one who probably has NO utter idea who we are, or that we love them immensely.
I am writing this LONG post to detail our journey to right here. We have been planning and pursuing adoption in some fashion or form for 4 years now, but we have been pursuing God's plan of adoption for us since last fall. Our dossier was sent to Ethiopia July 27, 2012.
Now we wait....and wait...
I know that 'technically' we have not been waiting all that long, but it has been an emotionally vested journey for 4 years and those 4 years are beginning to take a toll. Here is the long story....
In January 2008, I felt my heartstrings tugging for another child. I didn't know how, who, what, but I felt that inner drive for motherhood again. I had a dream and in that dream all I saw was a blurry family portrait, apparently I was the photographer HA, it was Judson, myself, Lorelei, and someone I did not know but it was obvious they were not a biological match to us. I decided to share that dream with Judson and in conversation we talked about adopting, if we could ever or should ever. Something clicked but me, being me, thought how could we, it is time consuming, money consuming, too many uncertains for this type A personality!
So I did what was 'logical' in my mind, and easier, we tried to have a child, after months of no such luck, and each month, unlike my drive to have our first, there was almost a sense of relief when I would find out I was not expecting. I knew deep down inside I wanted, desired, craved to be a mother again, but it wasn't supposed to be this way. Judson and I again had a talk and decided to look into international adoption since we both felt a peace about that. We applied for information for Haiti. The agency kept pushing for deposits even after we found out I was not old enough and even though we had been married a while it was not the 10 year minimum they had at the time. The push for money to start an adoption that would never be processed left a bitter taste in my mouth about international adoption.
Judson a little while later brought up foster care. It felt awkward to me, but I thought, Judson's interested, it's nearly free, why not? It took FOREVER to find an agency that was willing to offer flexible training for Judson's 100+ hour on-call work schedule and it took a while to get trained. As I became more comfortable with foster care, Judson became more uneasy. Then we were informed Judson was being promoted and we were moving to Virginia. TWO days after this news, we get a call that we were official North Carolina foster care parents, followed by the disheartening news that Virginia was the only neighboring state that did not accept NC training. Let's just say, when you don't do things God's way there is never unity and he will throw you in the belly of a whale (for us, having to move from a place we loved).
The next 3 months were painful, we were living in a nice home, in a nice small neighborhood, in the middle of nowhere; it took 25 mins to get to a town. The subdivision had a community well/water re-processing plant and we were in the first home from the re-processing plant. My daughter's BEAUTIFUL gorgeous strawberry blonde ringlets began to fry and frizz and break from the extreme chlorine and hardness of the water. We had to wash our hair with gallon jugs of store bought water and limit water exposure because your skin would start to burn. We were living on air mattresses and out of a few suitcases and the heat decided when it would or wouldn't work and it was a COLD winter. Both of our dogs gained weight, even they were depressed LOL!
After looking at 200+ houses online and looking at a lot, we had narrowed our search to 5 homes. One was a home that was WAY out of our price range, and I thought that house impossible and unnecessary Judson kept printing and getting flyers from our realtor and I kept throwing them away. Then we declared one weekend THE weekend we were going to put a contract on one of those homes. EVERY home sold either while we were still touring them or on our way back for a second viewing except for the one I was adamantly against, not that it wasn't a good home, oh no it was great, it was beautiful. Later on that day, I had one of life's "get-real-with-Jesus" moments. With two shower caps on I sat in the shower, skin burning, crying. We couldn't find a home. I finally gave up, something I should have done a long time ago. I gave up and told God to take over, I quit! I was confused, where were we going to live, should we still adopt? I cried out, "I don't know God but you do and I quit...you tell me. Wherever you want me to go, wherever you want me to live, whatever the cost/sacrifice...I surrender. I will go, I will do, I just need you to lead." I meant it, I was tired, I was weary and I was clueless as to what to do next. The next day Judson still was interested in that last home, so he said, let's just offer what we can afford and see what happens, I, still thinking they would never accept and too tired to argue, said sure. They accepted. For crying out loud?!?!!?!? I was floored. Then we had to find financing, again I was doubtful, Judson sent out umpteen applications they all replied no...but the last one said yes. At that point you would THINK I would open my eyes and see that what God designs, he prepares a way for. But no, I am stubborn.
God had already started in my heart to begin applying for adoption agencies information. I asked online for any agency suggestions and a former pastor's wife (who was adopting from Ethiopia) offered advice/support if we chose Africa. I told her we were not interested in Africa at that time...Funny and Ironic! I was unsure of how vested Judson would be willing to be, he loathes travel by car, by plane...just not his cup of tea, especially since his job revolves around it. I knew international was both expensive and time consuming. After receiving a few brochures from various agencies and trying to find the easiest and most affordable route, Judson saw me muddling over them and just said, "pick something and go with it". I had too many doubts and reservations about making the wrong move again. I asked him about international, thinking he would say no, instead he asked where. I said I was thinking South America, India, or Africa, again thinking he would say something to the effect of no. He just said, let's pray about it and make sure this time we know the right thing. See a pattern of me being a doubting Thomas only to get proven wrong? Again why am I not getting this?
Shortly after that we were moving in and looking for churches and still chewing on the idea of the adoption who/where/what's. I began talking with Judson to see if he had ANY clarity or direction and I began expressing my concerns about the length of travel and costs associated with international. Judson, my amazing husband, gave me the look of utter disappointment and said "don't you think God will take care of the money and travel, if it is His will?" I melted, how could I doubt what God could do? I was just so impressed with the willing heart my husband had. He didn't care about the travel and he wasn't concerned with the costs, he had utter faith that whatever God called us to do, he would provide the motivation, desire, and finances. All this time I was fearful of Judson's stance when it was ME!!!! YAY!! I got it, I needed to have faith and willingness to move...wahoo, only took God reminding me how many times?!? So our prayers switched to asking God to be direct and very evident because we needed to know what His will was.
One Sunday on the way to church, Judson stopped to get the newspaper which isn't unusual but 90% of the time it sets there until we return home. He sat it in my lap and the front page article was about the rise of Ethiopian children being driven to orphanages due to the severe drought and famine. I, although book-smart, often do not 'get' things. At church we stood in line at the coffee bar because Judson wanted coffee, about half way up the line he ask if I have any money, it was one of those "whose on first" moments. "I replied, no, don't you", "no, that's why I am asking you". "Well Judson why are we in line?" "I don't know, are you sure you don't have a dollar?" "Yes, how are you going to get coffee if we don't have money"...well this conversation went on way too long until it was our turn at the coffee counter. The coffee point blank in front of my face ETHIOPIAN blend. Still uncertain I sat through church praying. Later I asked Judson about and showed him the AWAA pamphlet on it and his reponse "send off the application". When I mention you had to send in money with it, he never once asked how much, just replied again to do it. The process for paperwork, although confusing at times, went really smoothly and faster than we anticipated.
We have had a peace about Ethiopia and knowing that is so comforting, but now that there is not paper work and busy work to keep our hands/minds focused on. I find myself tired and wanting that precious referral call. Every time that I hear the wait has increased I tend to get disheartened, but God through my precious husband who has the patience of a saint on most things, and my loving friends, and family, remind me that God's timing is the best, it is in fact perfect. He is Sovereign and nothing will delay His will. When I feel like the length of time is my 'fault' for fear and trying to do things the easier way, they lovingly remind me that God doesn't punish and He knew I would be stubborn and fearful. He has had a masterpiece in the works for a long time and it will be as He intended!
Although I don't have a face, and we don't know if our little girl will have a sibling come alongside, she/they are EVER so real to me, tangibly so. I love them, I mourn for them as if they have been in our family and have been gone away for a bit too long. I know they may not love us right away and they may never feel like a part of our family, and know there are a million scenarios, but I have learned that I HAVE to do what God has called me too, not only will he throw you in the belly of a whale till you surrender, you can't have that peace that passes all understanding when you are trying to control your own life. I know there will be adjustments, chaos, stress, but every life change does and just like always He will give just the right amount of resources, strength, and grace. I just know that I have to do my part and know that the only thing I can control, is making sure I am not in control, but that HE is. Because whatever work He begins, He will see it to fruition and the Bible promises that "He works all things together for the good, for those that love Him". I trust Him and even though this week has been HARD and my patience is shredded, I must trust that each day that passes is for a purpose and His will, will prevail and oh what a sweet day it will be to rejoice that all our emotional journeys have reached an end on the chapter of this adoption! At that moment a new book will begin to chronicle our tales of becoming a family....till that day I must find contentment with the numerous, overflowing blessing I have and peace that His will is being done, right now! Tomorrows worries and anxiousness will have to wait, for today has enough of it's own!
I am writing this LONG post to detail our journey to right here. We have been planning and pursuing adoption in some fashion or form for 4 years now, but we have been pursuing God's plan of adoption for us since last fall. Our dossier was sent to Ethiopia July 27, 2012.
Now we wait....and wait...
I know that 'technically' we have not been waiting all that long, but it has been an emotionally vested journey for 4 years and those 4 years are beginning to take a toll. Here is the long story....
In January 2008, I felt my heartstrings tugging for another child. I didn't know how, who, what, but I felt that inner drive for motherhood again. I had a dream and in that dream all I saw was a blurry family portrait, apparently I was the photographer HA, it was Judson, myself, Lorelei, and someone I did not know but it was obvious they were not a biological match to us. I decided to share that dream with Judson and in conversation we talked about adopting, if we could ever or should ever. Something clicked but me, being me, thought how could we, it is time consuming, money consuming, too many uncertains for this type A personality!
So I did what was 'logical' in my mind, and easier, we tried to have a child, after months of no such luck, and each month, unlike my drive to have our first, there was almost a sense of relief when I would find out I was not expecting. I knew deep down inside I wanted, desired, craved to be a mother again, but it wasn't supposed to be this way. Judson and I again had a talk and decided to look into international adoption since we both felt a peace about that. We applied for information for Haiti. The agency kept pushing for deposits even after we found out I was not old enough and even though we had been married a while it was not the 10 year minimum they had at the time. The push for money to start an adoption that would never be processed left a bitter taste in my mouth about international adoption.
Judson a little while later brought up foster care. It felt awkward to me, but I thought, Judson's interested, it's nearly free, why not? It took FOREVER to find an agency that was willing to offer flexible training for Judson's 100+ hour on-call work schedule and it took a while to get trained. As I became more comfortable with foster care, Judson became more uneasy. Then we were informed Judson was being promoted and we were moving to Virginia. TWO days after this news, we get a call that we were official North Carolina foster care parents, followed by the disheartening news that Virginia was the only neighboring state that did not accept NC training. Let's just say, when you don't do things God's way there is never unity and he will throw you in the belly of a whale (for us, having to move from a place we loved).
The next 3 months were painful, we were living in a nice home, in a nice small neighborhood, in the middle of nowhere; it took 25 mins to get to a town. The subdivision had a community well/water re-processing plant and we were in the first home from the re-processing plant. My daughter's BEAUTIFUL gorgeous strawberry blonde ringlets began to fry and frizz and break from the extreme chlorine and hardness of the water. We had to wash our hair with gallon jugs of store bought water and limit water exposure because your skin would start to burn. We were living on air mattresses and out of a few suitcases and the heat decided when it would or wouldn't work and it was a COLD winter. Both of our dogs gained weight, even they were depressed LOL!
After looking at 200+ houses online and looking at a lot, we had narrowed our search to 5 homes. One was a home that was WAY out of our price range, and I thought that house impossible and unnecessary Judson kept printing and getting flyers from our realtor and I kept throwing them away. Then we declared one weekend THE weekend we were going to put a contract on one of those homes. EVERY home sold either while we were still touring them or on our way back for a second viewing except for the one I was adamantly against, not that it wasn't a good home, oh no it was great, it was beautiful. Later on that day, I had one of life's "get-real-with-Jesus" moments. With two shower caps on I sat in the shower, skin burning, crying. We couldn't find a home. I finally gave up, something I should have done a long time ago. I gave up and told God to take over, I quit! I was confused, where were we going to live, should we still adopt? I cried out, "I don't know God but you do and I quit...you tell me. Wherever you want me to go, wherever you want me to live, whatever the cost/sacrifice...I surrender. I will go, I will do, I just need you to lead." I meant it, I was tired, I was weary and I was clueless as to what to do next. The next day Judson still was interested in that last home, so he said, let's just offer what we can afford and see what happens, I, still thinking they would never accept and too tired to argue, said sure. They accepted. For crying out loud?!?!!?!? I was floored. Then we had to find financing, again I was doubtful, Judson sent out umpteen applications they all replied no...but the last one said yes. At that point you would THINK I would open my eyes and see that what God designs, he prepares a way for. But no, I am stubborn.
God had already started in my heart to begin applying for adoption agencies information. I asked online for any agency suggestions and a former pastor's wife (who was adopting from Ethiopia) offered advice/support if we chose Africa. I told her we were not interested in Africa at that time...Funny and Ironic! I was unsure of how vested Judson would be willing to be, he loathes travel by car, by plane...just not his cup of tea, especially since his job revolves around it. I knew international was both expensive and time consuming. After receiving a few brochures from various agencies and trying to find the easiest and most affordable route, Judson saw me muddling over them and just said, "pick something and go with it". I had too many doubts and reservations about making the wrong move again. I asked him about international, thinking he would say no, instead he asked where. I said I was thinking South America, India, or Africa, again thinking he would say something to the effect of no. He just said, let's pray about it and make sure this time we know the right thing. See a pattern of me being a doubting Thomas only to get proven wrong? Again why am I not getting this?
Shortly after that we were moving in and looking for churches and still chewing on the idea of the adoption who/where/what's. I began talking with Judson to see if he had ANY clarity or direction and I began expressing my concerns about the length of travel and costs associated with international. Judson, my amazing husband, gave me the look of utter disappointment and said "don't you think God will take care of the money and travel, if it is His will?" I melted, how could I doubt what God could do? I was just so impressed with the willing heart my husband had. He didn't care about the travel and he wasn't concerned with the costs, he had utter faith that whatever God called us to do, he would provide the motivation, desire, and finances. All this time I was fearful of Judson's stance when it was ME!!!! YAY!! I got it, I needed to have faith and willingness to move...wahoo, only took God reminding me how many times?!? So our prayers switched to asking God to be direct and very evident because we needed to know what His will was.
One Sunday on the way to church, Judson stopped to get the newspaper which isn't unusual but 90% of the time it sets there until we return home. He sat it in my lap and the front page article was about the rise of Ethiopian children being driven to orphanages due to the severe drought and famine. I, although book-smart, often do not 'get' things. At church we stood in line at the coffee bar because Judson wanted coffee, about half way up the line he ask if I have any money, it was one of those "whose on first" moments. "I replied, no, don't you", "no, that's why I am asking you". "Well Judson why are we in line?" "I don't know, are you sure you don't have a dollar?" "Yes, how are you going to get coffee if we don't have money"...well this conversation went on way too long until it was our turn at the coffee counter. The coffee point blank in front of my face ETHIOPIAN blend. Still uncertain I sat through church praying. Later I asked Judson about and showed him the AWAA pamphlet on it and his reponse "send off the application". When I mention you had to send in money with it, he never once asked how much, just replied again to do it. The process for paperwork, although confusing at times, went really smoothly and faster than we anticipated.
We have had a peace about Ethiopia and knowing that is so comforting, but now that there is not paper work and busy work to keep our hands/minds focused on. I find myself tired and wanting that precious referral call. Every time that I hear the wait has increased I tend to get disheartened, but God through my precious husband who has the patience of a saint on most things, and my loving friends, and family, remind me that God's timing is the best, it is in fact perfect. He is Sovereign and nothing will delay His will. When I feel like the length of time is my 'fault' for fear and trying to do things the easier way, they lovingly remind me that God doesn't punish and He knew I would be stubborn and fearful. He has had a masterpiece in the works for a long time and it will be as He intended!
Although I don't have a face, and we don't know if our little girl will have a sibling come alongside, she/they are EVER so real to me, tangibly so. I love them, I mourn for them as if they have been in our family and have been gone away for a bit too long. I know they may not love us right away and they may never feel like a part of our family, and know there are a million scenarios, but I have learned that I HAVE to do what God has called me too, not only will he throw you in the belly of a whale till you surrender, you can't have that peace that passes all understanding when you are trying to control your own life. I know there will be adjustments, chaos, stress, but every life change does and just like always He will give just the right amount of resources, strength, and grace. I just know that I have to do my part and know that the only thing I can control, is making sure I am not in control, but that HE is. Because whatever work He begins, He will see it to fruition and the Bible promises that "He works all things together for the good, for those that love Him". I trust Him and even though this week has been HARD and my patience is shredded, I must trust that each day that passes is for a purpose and His will, will prevail and oh what a sweet day it will be to rejoice that all our emotional journeys have reached an end on the chapter of this adoption! At that moment a new book will begin to chronicle our tales of becoming a family....till that day I must find contentment with the numerous, overflowing blessing I have and peace that His will is being done, right now! Tomorrows worries and anxiousness will have to wait, for today has enough of it's own!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Exchange
My post title may sound strange and the accompanying story/explanation long, but I find it fitting.
Today Tasha, a friend, asked me how I was doing. I am sure after I posted my long response she will think twice before asking me again!!! HA HA
This morning when I answered I felt a sense of hopelessness, slight uncertainty, and most definitely could feel disbelief. When I answered I felt like all the hopes and dreams I have of adoption are just that. But then came church.
I sat there and all of the sudden felt overwhelmed at the presence of everyone around me. Tall people, short people, skinny people, larger people, old, young, healthy, injured, happy, sad, black, white, tan, clean shaven, some I wondered if they had even bothered to bath, nicely dressed, scantly dressed, sloppy, as I am sure you are gathering the picture...all shapes, colors, types of people. I have heard the bible verse Psalm 139: 13-14...
I always have heard it, or have taken it to mean my physical appearance is wonderfully and perfectly made and that I should love myself for who I am and the body I was given, but today I think I got it. Our bodies are imperfect, some bodies are healthy some are not, they are fragile, temporary. I am not saying that there are beautiful people and ugly people in this world, but that God "sees us for who we REALLY are". I think the fearfully, wonderfully, beautiful parts that God made are our souls, the parts of us that will never die.
As I looked across the people with all our imperfections, I saw a room filled with beauty. Beautiful souls all loved with a love so amazing and incredible that He sent His son in exchange for us.
What on earth does that have to do with our adoption? Well not entirely too much other than it reminded me of the abundant love we are called to have for each other because regardless of what/who we are, we have souls that all were made by love and for love. God calls us to 'love one another as Christ loves us', that can be quite a challenge to love imperfect, moody, grouchy, and unlovable people. Today in service we learned about covenants. Covenants are not contracts that are made based upon agreements, rules, provisions and protections, a covenant is a one way agreements that does not hinge upon the other person's actions or response. Like a marriage vow, we make a covenant to our spouse to love them NO MATTER WHAT they do, how they look, how they act, and promise that we will not break that covenant even if they do not love us in return until death relinquishes us. And we hope, that our spouse will make that same covenant to us, but that does not guarantee an easy road. Life is filled with obstacles, sorrows flow into the times of joy, challenges and our human nature to make mistakes inevitably makes life tough. I made a covenant before God promising to love Judson Owen until one of us dies. At the time I loved him sure, but I don't think I 'got it'. I don't think anyone at the altar really does. Life is a long time, just ask someone spending a life sentence in jail HA HA HA.
I have had three major life changing desires in my life. The first was to chose Judson over a life without him. Our marriage came at a cost, it cost me a strained relationship with my family, my car, my schooling, my 'before Judson dreams'. At the time the price seemed so high, but an overwhelming urge/feeling told me it was right, and now looking back 10 years later I would have paid that price and more. A price I once thought so steep seems so trivial in the joys and growth I have had in my marriage. I still pray and very much love my family and I do believe that God is in control of that situation!
My second life changing desire happened on a cold January night in 2006. I, a person who NEVER wanted kids, had a dream of a little girl. She even named herself and called me mommy. I awoke the next morning knowing/feeling that I HAD to be a mom, I had to have a baby. My poor, sweet husband probably thought I was crazy but the feeling never died. I had been told I shouldn't and possibly couldn't have a baby but December 16, 2006, my literal dream child announced with a positive pregnancy test, that he/she was coming in 8-9 months!! When we found out is was a girl, we knew the name "Lorelei"...afterall she, or God rather, had named herself in my dream almost 1 year earlier. I look back now and pregnancy was unfun, I was sick, tired, fat, fatigued, and the birth was nearly nightmarish, but looking back I would do it all again even if I was more sick, more tired, more fat...my life as a mother is wonderful.
Now again I have a life changing desire. An overwhelming desire and love for a child(ren) that will not look like us. Almost 4 years ago I had the first initial desire to adopt. I envisioned a dark skinned child, a little girl. I knew instantly in my dreams she was "ours". It has been a long process and I have time and time again tried to skirt around it, tried to envision another, easier way. We even tried to do foster care to avoid the costs of adoption. But what we finally realized is that what God has called us to do sometimes sounds hard, seems expensive, and can take time which seems so dreadful in a world culture of 'give-it-to-me-now', but in the end it is worth it.
Today I was reminded of my feelings when I began my marital and motherhood journeys. They were tough and the price seemed so high, man were they ever worth it. I can't imagine my life without Judson or Lorelei and already I can't imagine my life without our adopted child(ren). I love this child already without sight or even a name. This process is expensive, adoption is, and if you aren't eligible for grants it can seem REALLY expensive, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt every ounce of time, effort, and money we invest is well worth it.
Entering marriage wasn't easy. It has had mostly great, amazing days, but there have been those of sadness, bumps, and bruises. Motherhood has also had it's share of blessings with a few mixed in moments of fear, worry, and doubt. Adopting a child from another race, country, culture will have it's own moments of anxiety, challenges, and tears, but I know from past experience that when we do what we are called to do, it is always more of a life-enriching blessing, and the valleys we experience throughout the journey only make us stronger, bring us closer, and enrich our lives in ways we never could have imagined.
I do feel like this process is taking forever, I do wish it to speed up, but I now have a different outlook. God has exchanged my feelings of hopelessness that this will never happen, to knowing it will. Perhaps my initial feelings this morning were because I know the blessings to come, afterall I got to hold hands in church with a man who has a heart and soul just as handsome as his exterior and hear about the day of a beautiful little social butterfly who often graces the backseat of our car with mindless chit chat and preciously off-key melodies. I am blessed and look forward to even more blessings that our adoption will bring us.
Today Tasha, a friend, asked me how I was doing. I am sure after I posted my long response she will think twice before asking me again!!! HA HA
This morning when I answered I felt a sense of hopelessness, slight uncertainty, and most definitely could feel disbelief. When I answered I felt like all the hopes and dreams I have of adoption are just that. But then came church.
I sat there and all of the sudden felt overwhelmed at the presence of everyone around me. Tall people, short people, skinny people, larger people, old, young, healthy, injured, happy, sad, black, white, tan, clean shaven, some I wondered if they had even bothered to bath, nicely dressed, scantly dressed, sloppy, as I am sure you are gathering the picture...all shapes, colors, types of people. I have heard the bible verse Psalm 139: 13-14...
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
I always have heard it, or have taken it to mean my physical appearance is wonderfully and perfectly made and that I should love myself for who I am and the body I was given, but today I think I got it. Our bodies are imperfect, some bodies are healthy some are not, they are fragile, temporary. I am not saying that there are beautiful people and ugly people in this world, but that God "sees us for who we REALLY are". I think the fearfully, wonderfully, beautiful parts that God made are our souls, the parts of us that will never die.
As I looked across the people with all our imperfections, I saw a room filled with beauty. Beautiful souls all loved with a love so amazing and incredible that He sent His son in exchange for us.
What on earth does that have to do with our adoption? Well not entirely too much other than it reminded me of the abundant love we are called to have for each other because regardless of what/who we are, we have souls that all were made by love and for love. God calls us to 'love one another as Christ loves us', that can be quite a challenge to love imperfect, moody, grouchy, and unlovable people. Today in service we learned about covenants. Covenants are not contracts that are made based upon agreements, rules, provisions and protections, a covenant is a one way agreements that does not hinge upon the other person's actions or response. Like a marriage vow, we make a covenant to our spouse to love them NO MATTER WHAT they do, how they look, how they act, and promise that we will not break that covenant even if they do not love us in return until death relinquishes us. And we hope, that our spouse will make that same covenant to us, but that does not guarantee an easy road. Life is filled with obstacles, sorrows flow into the times of joy, challenges and our human nature to make mistakes inevitably makes life tough. I made a covenant before God promising to love Judson Owen until one of us dies. At the time I loved him sure, but I don't think I 'got it'. I don't think anyone at the altar really does. Life is a long time, just ask someone spending a life sentence in jail HA HA HA.
I have had three major life changing desires in my life. The first was to chose Judson over a life without him. Our marriage came at a cost, it cost me a strained relationship with my family, my car, my schooling, my 'before Judson dreams'. At the time the price seemed so high, but an overwhelming urge/feeling told me it was right, and now looking back 10 years later I would have paid that price and more. A price I once thought so steep seems so trivial in the joys and growth I have had in my marriage. I still pray and very much love my family and I do believe that God is in control of that situation!
My second life changing desire happened on a cold January night in 2006. I, a person who NEVER wanted kids, had a dream of a little girl. She even named herself and called me mommy. I awoke the next morning knowing/feeling that I HAD to be a mom, I had to have a baby. My poor, sweet husband probably thought I was crazy but the feeling never died. I had been told I shouldn't and possibly couldn't have a baby but December 16, 2006, my literal dream child announced with a positive pregnancy test, that he/she was coming in 8-9 months!! When we found out is was a girl, we knew the name "Lorelei"...afterall she, or God rather, had named herself in my dream almost 1 year earlier. I look back now and pregnancy was unfun, I was sick, tired, fat, fatigued, and the birth was nearly nightmarish, but looking back I would do it all again even if I was more sick, more tired, more fat...my life as a mother is wonderful.
Now again I have a life changing desire. An overwhelming desire and love for a child(ren) that will not look like us. Almost 4 years ago I had the first initial desire to adopt. I envisioned a dark skinned child, a little girl. I knew instantly in my dreams she was "ours". It has been a long process and I have time and time again tried to skirt around it, tried to envision another, easier way. We even tried to do foster care to avoid the costs of adoption. But what we finally realized is that what God has called us to do sometimes sounds hard, seems expensive, and can take time which seems so dreadful in a world culture of 'give-it-to-me-now', but in the end it is worth it.
Today I was reminded of my feelings when I began my marital and motherhood journeys. They were tough and the price seemed so high, man were they ever worth it. I can't imagine my life without Judson or Lorelei and already I can't imagine my life without our adopted child(ren). I love this child already without sight or even a name. This process is expensive, adoption is, and if you aren't eligible for grants it can seem REALLY expensive, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt every ounce of time, effort, and money we invest is well worth it.
Entering marriage wasn't easy. It has had mostly great, amazing days, but there have been those of sadness, bumps, and bruises. Motherhood has also had it's share of blessings with a few mixed in moments of fear, worry, and doubt. Adopting a child from another race, country, culture will have it's own moments of anxiety, challenges, and tears, but I know from past experience that when we do what we are called to do, it is always more of a life-enriching blessing, and the valleys we experience throughout the journey only make us stronger, bring us closer, and enrich our lives in ways we never could have imagined.
I do feel like this process is taking forever, I do wish it to speed up, but I now have a different outlook. God has exchanged my feelings of hopelessness that this will never happen, to knowing it will. Perhaps my initial feelings this morning were because I know the blessings to come, afterall I got to hold hands in church with a man who has a heart and soul just as handsome as his exterior and hear about the day of a beautiful little social butterfly who often graces the backseat of our car with mindless chit chat and preciously off-key melodies. I am blessed and look forward to even more blessings that our adoption will bring us.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Long time no posts...but always VERY present!
SO much has changed since my last post, but not our hearts and desires for that special child(ren) that are out there meant to be in our home.
Finding out we were moving, followed by the call two days later that we had been approved in the foster care system to adopt was heart wrenching.
I think I died a bit that day, or at least a little piece of my heart. It was hard and I found myself questioning the whole adoption idea. Why did I want to adopt when every door we had tried to open SLAMMED shut in our faces?
A few months down the road, my spiritual epiphany came (I think God was saying it all along but yeah...we didn't listen-imagine that?!?!)
We were trying to adopt our way, in our time, in our comfort, in our peace, which all oddly enough left us with no peace and no child. We had to do major soul searching a praying. Judson and I both felt and agreed that we initially felt the draw to international adoption but the 'fears' and worries of money, travel, time made it too daunting. We had in a sense decided to limit God, put Him in our little box of 'let's do it our way God, your's is too hard' box. As usually He in His awesome ways did not let us force open doors He did not want for us.
So last year we decided to quit playing the part of Jonah and leave the belly of the whale and do what we should be doing.
With prayer and petition we are back to international and inching slowly toward our desire to adopt. We find ourselves doubting and fretting from time to time from lessons learned and fear of repeating, but Judson and I are excited to announce we are in the throws of adopting from Ethiopia. We are completely relying on God and having to check our hearts with Him daily. If there is anything we have learned from the past is that God needs, deserves, and desires to be in control in our lives and we have found that He is WAAAAY better at leading us than we ever could be...He is big, cool, and awesome like that. I am so glad I serve a God of mercy, grace, and multiple chances, and as odd as it sounds, glad He lets us stew in the belly of a whale sometimes till we remember that He is the one that should be leading/deciding for us. After all, a God who can create the universe, the Earth, mankind and all the amazing things He has, why not trust Him to bring the money, the fluidity, the peace in our decision? Seems like such a no brainer, but I am sure, as true to my stubborn self, will forget this moment and try again to lead my own life to find disaster awaiting. I just hope that there are less of those moments ahead and that I quickly will humble myself and get back on the right track way sooner!
We are working with America World Adoption, one of the first two companies we contacted initially 4 years ago (ironic right?) I am not sure how we picked Ethiopia, just what we saw in our hearts and felt peace about, I can't really describe that process, it just kind of chose itself.
We are in the early stages of the homestudy meaning, we were accepted in the program and have began the homestudy, we are working on building our packed (dossier) of legal paperwork to submit to Ethiopia and then we will wait for Ethiopia (God actually) to refer a child(ren) to us...we travel for a few days, come home, go back and bring home our precious child(ren).
Things we are asking/coveting prayer for...
Finding out we were moving, followed by the call two days later that we had been approved in the foster care system to adopt was heart wrenching.
I think I died a bit that day, or at least a little piece of my heart. It was hard and I found myself questioning the whole adoption idea. Why did I want to adopt when every door we had tried to open SLAMMED shut in our faces?
A few months down the road, my spiritual epiphany came (I think God was saying it all along but yeah...we didn't listen-imagine that?!?!)
We were trying to adopt our way, in our time, in our comfort, in our peace, which all oddly enough left us with no peace and no child. We had to do major soul searching a praying. Judson and I both felt and agreed that we initially felt the draw to international adoption but the 'fears' and worries of money, travel, time made it too daunting. We had in a sense decided to limit God, put Him in our little box of 'let's do it our way God, your's is too hard' box. As usually He in His awesome ways did not let us force open doors He did not want for us.
So last year we decided to quit playing the part of Jonah and leave the belly of the whale and do what we should be doing.
With prayer and petition we are back to international and inching slowly toward our desire to adopt. We find ourselves doubting and fretting from time to time from lessons learned and fear of repeating, but Judson and I are excited to announce we are in the throws of adopting from Ethiopia. We are completely relying on God and having to check our hearts with Him daily. If there is anything we have learned from the past is that God needs, deserves, and desires to be in control in our lives and we have found that He is WAAAAY better at leading us than we ever could be...He is big, cool, and awesome like that. I am so glad I serve a God of mercy, grace, and multiple chances, and as odd as it sounds, glad He lets us stew in the belly of a whale sometimes till we remember that He is the one that should be leading/deciding for us. After all, a God who can create the universe, the Earth, mankind and all the amazing things He has, why not trust Him to bring the money, the fluidity, the peace in our decision? Seems like such a no brainer, but I am sure, as true to my stubborn self, will forget this moment and try again to lead my own life to find disaster awaiting. I just hope that there are less of those moments ahead and that I quickly will humble myself and get back on the right track way sooner!
We are working with America World Adoption, one of the first two companies we contacted initially 4 years ago (ironic right?) I am not sure how we picked Ethiopia, just what we saw in our hearts and felt peace about, I can't really describe that process, it just kind of chose itself.
We are in the early stages of the homestudy meaning, we were accepted in the program and have began the homestudy, we are working on building our packed (dossier) of legal paperwork to submit to Ethiopia and then we will wait for Ethiopia (God actually) to refer a child(ren) to us...we travel for a few days, come home, go back and bring home our precious child(ren).
Things we are asking/coveting prayer for...
- Continued peace and direction for this adoption
- number of children, ages, boy/girl/both
- That the money/funding would find it's way into our bank accounts!!
- For the future travel
- for safety
- for direction on who goes (do we take Lorelei to visit her new sibling(s)?)
- For our child(ren) that they would be safe and be in a loving environment until they can be in our arms
Thank you all for your prayers, support, and kind words!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sad
I know that there is a child or children somewhere out there that are meant to be in our home. But who, where, how do I find them?
I need to vent my frustrations, I am just so heartbroken thinking as each day passes that is one more day we don't have them in our arms to love.
I know that we are still called to adopt and that EVERYTHING is in God's control and His perfect timing. I am praying for direction and patience as He leads us.
We already love you, whoever you are and we will not stop trying to find you!!!
I need to vent my frustrations, I am just so heartbroken thinking as each day passes that is one more day we don't have them in our arms to love.
I know that we are still called to adopt and that EVERYTHING is in God's control and His perfect timing. I am praying for direction and patience as He leads us.
We already love you, whoever you are and we will not stop trying to find you!!!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Is it possible to be broken-hearted & hopeful at the same time?
Here we sit waiting. Waiting on the foster care/ adoption work to be processed and now waiting on the impending job offer from Judson's company for a promotion. Sounds like a joyful time right? The problem lies with the promotion, it would take us to Virginia. I am so proud of my husband for being a hard working man filled with integrity and honored that his company notices too!!!
I just don't know what this means for our adoption hopes. We are hoping at the moment that the paperwork may transfer to the state of Virginia. I am going to wait until we are approved here before seeking answers and guidance since right now we aren't certified here. I just hope that we don't have to undergo training all over again after months of getting all this together.
My heart is excited for our family and just having to remember that God is in control, He knows what is going on and is miles ahead of us and will keep us in His will! I still wholeheartedly believe that we are to adopt. We just are taking a different route and direction, but it will happen when it is meant to. Wherever that child(ren) is I pray they are safe, fed, and protected until we can bring them home!
Thank you all for your continued prayers for our adoption and we appreciate all prayers regarding Judson's promotion offer and our move. God Bless.
I just don't know what this means for our adoption hopes. We are hoping at the moment that the paperwork may transfer to the state of Virginia. I am going to wait until we are approved here before seeking answers and guidance since right now we aren't certified here. I just hope that we don't have to undergo training all over again after months of getting all this together.
My heart is excited for our family and just having to remember that God is in control, He knows what is going on and is miles ahead of us and will keep us in His will! I still wholeheartedly believe that we are to adopt. We just are taking a different route and direction, but it will happen when it is meant to. Wherever that child(ren) is I pray they are safe, fed, and protected until we can bring them home!
Thank you all for your continued prayers for our adoption and we appreciate all prayers regarding Judson's promotion offer and our move. God Bless.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
What now?
Well everyone the time has come to say......(drum roll)
WE ARE THROUGH TRAINING!!! YAY!!!
Our paperwork will be sent off today to the State Department and hopefully approved!! There are still things we will need to do before being able to accept children in, but we have made it and are right at the finish line!!!
We are in desperate need of prayers, specifically for direction. We are not sure what God wants from us whether we are to adopt straight away, if so what age, what child, etc... or if he wants us to foster. Judson and I both are not feeling complete peace about fostering but don't feel God leading us away from or towards it and have chosen to keep all doors open at this time until we feel His direction. All we know is that we are being obedient to the calling in growing our family in this manner, but now there are many forks ahead of us. It is amazing to see that situations we previously said we would not feel comfortable with are becoming possibilities. All we can do at this time is stay moldable and ready!
Once our paperwork is approved by the state, we will meet with a consultant and the intake coordinator to discuss what options we feel comfortable with. We are hoping by then we will have a clearer picture of things and our future as a soon-to-be complete family!!
Thank you so much for your support, well wishes, and prayers. I truly love knowing that I have friends, family, and complete strangers praying for us!!! You all mean so much to us and more importantly to the child(ren) that will be in our family one day soon!
God Bless
WE ARE THROUGH TRAINING!!! YAY!!!
Our paperwork will be sent off today to the State Department and hopefully approved!! There are still things we will need to do before being able to accept children in, but we have made it and are right at the finish line!!!
We are in desperate need of prayers, specifically for direction. We are not sure what God wants from us whether we are to adopt straight away, if so what age, what child, etc... or if he wants us to foster. Judson and I both are not feeling complete peace about fostering but don't feel God leading us away from or towards it and have chosen to keep all doors open at this time until we feel His direction. All we know is that we are being obedient to the calling in growing our family in this manner, but now there are many forks ahead of us. It is amazing to see that situations we previously said we would not feel comfortable with are becoming possibilities. All we can do at this time is stay moldable and ready!
Once our paperwork is approved by the state, we will meet with a consultant and the intake coordinator to discuss what options we feel comfortable with. We are hoping by then we will have a clearer picture of things and our future as a soon-to-be complete family!!
Thank you so much for your support, well wishes, and prayers. I truly love knowing that I have friends, family, and complete strangers praying for us!!! You all mean so much to us and more importantly to the child(ren) that will be in our family one day soon!
God Bless
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Foster Care Training-NOT for the faint of heart!
We have finished all the books last week in our meeting and this week we are wrapping up everything with our trainer. I am just so excited to see this process finally near an end!!!
There were/are so many hoops that must be jumped through at times I see why so many people choose not to Foster, it is simply a DAUNTING process!! We have joked it would be easier for taliban to move here and join the US Army!!!
We have had to do or get; six non-relative reference letters, fire inspections, physicals (including Lorelei!!), TB screenings, CPR/First Aid training, FBI & local background checks, fingerprinted, home safety inspections, show that our pets are vaccinated, attend a class on how to document medicating a child, car insurance, license check...and the list goes on!!
BUT the bottom line is that in the end, what matters is that we have helped a child(ren) to have a better future!!
I thank God that he gave us this desire and pray that the rest goes smoothly! After Judson is able to obtain his physical, TB and we both attend CPR/First Aid, we will then be sent off for processing into the system. It will be out of our hands soon!
Thank you for your continued outpouring of support and prayers!!
There were/are so many hoops that must be jumped through at times I see why so many people choose not to Foster, it is simply a DAUNTING process!! We have joked it would be easier for taliban to move here and join the US Army!!!
We have had to do or get; six non-relative reference letters, fire inspections, physicals (including Lorelei!!), TB screenings, CPR/First Aid training, FBI & local background checks, fingerprinted, home safety inspections, show that our pets are vaccinated, attend a class on how to document medicating a child, car insurance, license check...and the list goes on!!
BUT the bottom line is that in the end, what matters is that we have helped a child(ren) to have a better future!!
I thank God that he gave us this desire and pray that the rest goes smoothly! After Judson is able to obtain his physical, TB and we both attend CPR/First Aid, we will then be sent off for processing into the system. It will be out of our hands soon!
Thank you for your continued outpouring of support and prayers!!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
End In Sight
We are just beyond excited. We finished books three & four yesterday & have completed the majority of other requirements. An end is in sight & we just couldn't be happier. We should be in the system for processing in two weeks, this means that once we are processed we will be able to begin the foster care adoption process.
I am nervous, excited, & praying that we will allow God's guidance in the remainder of the process. I often think during my quiet time who the child or children will be and wonder where they are now and if they know that we are working diligently to be prepared & ready to open our hearts & home to them.
I hope that you will join me in prayer for all children currently in Foster Care/Orphanages to find loving homes whether it be with their families or a new permanent home. Also for those that are in negative home situations that they would be found and brought into better environments. It breaks my heart to think that there are children who go to bed a night in tears & fear what tomorrow brings. I believe all children deserve to giggle, smile, & enjoy their youths with big dreams & lots of love.
I am nervous, excited, & praying that we will allow God's guidance in the remainder of the process. I often think during my quiet time who the child or children will be and wonder where they are now and if they know that we are working diligently to be prepared & ready to open our hearts & home to them.
I hope that you will join me in prayer for all children currently in Foster Care/Orphanages to find loving homes whether it be with their families or a new permanent home. Also for those that are in negative home situations that they would be found and brought into better environments. It breaks my heart to think that there are children who go to bed a night in tears & fear what tomorrow brings. I believe all children deserve to giggle, smile, & enjoy their youths with big dreams & lots of love.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Making progress....slowly!
Tomorrow, hopefully, we will be meeting with our Eliada homes person and reviewing book 2. The process is that we read a book and follow up with a meeting. In the meantime we have other side duties to perform such as getting our diplomas copied, fingerprinted, background check, CPR certification, etc...It is pretty daunting at times thinking about all we have to do, but I know that the child(ren) that will be our family are worth ten times more than this!!! I think I am just so anxious to have whomever is meant to be here, here!! I am such an impatient person and just want that family member(s) home with us!!!
I just want to say whoever you are, wherever you are, we are excited and wish all this training and certification was over with so we could have you not only in our hearts but in our home too!! I know that you are out and in God's timing, we will be a family soon!
And lastly to all those who are continuously praying for us-thank you so much!! We simply cannot make it through this process without all the love and support you generously are showering upon us with each prayer and kind thought!!!
I just want to say whoever you are, wherever you are, we are excited and wish all this training and certification was over with so we could have you not only in our hearts but in our home too!! I know that you are out and in God's timing, we will be a family soon!
And lastly to all those who are continuously praying for us-thank you so much!! We simply cannot make it through this process without all the love and support you generously are showering upon us with each prayer and kind thought!!!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
We have began the training process...
last Monday we met with our staff member from Eliada. She is so calm and collected which helps ease our tension of the unknowns. Upon leaving she left us our 'homework'. The notebook before me seems quite daunting with its four inch stature. It contains six books that will help Judson and I further investigate and prepare for what is ahead. So far I have completed the first book and Judson is about half way. After we each read through an entire book, we meet with our foster care person to further discuss our readings and she will answer any questions we accumulate.
It is scary and exciting to begin and come closer to bringing a child into our home, hopefully forever, yet we realize we are opening a page in our lives that has no direction or ending. We have no idea of what to expect, whom to expect, and how much our lives will change through this. Regardless this is our path, this is our calling and we know that if we stay prayer bound all things will work together for our best!!!
It is scary and exciting to begin and come closer to bringing a child into our home, hopefully forever, yet we realize we are opening a page in our lives that has no direction or ending. We have no idea of what to expect, whom to expect, and how much our lives will change through this. Regardless this is our path, this is our calling and we know that if we stay prayer bound all things will work together for our best!!!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Praying for you...
With all the devastation in Haiti, my heart just aches for the child or children that are supposed to be here in our home, joining our family forever. It seems so unfair that children would have to suffer...I can't help but tear up at the thought of a hungry, dehydrated child who deserves the basics of life. My prayers go out to the Haitian nation that you will be restored and families reunited. It stings a bit to know that just over a year and a half ago we attempted to adopt from Haiti only to be turned down because neither one of us was 35 and we had not been married 10 years at that point, so we proceeded onto the idea of Ethiopia, but nothing has ever quite been right in this every lenghtening journey.
Our next leg of the journey is pending; we will begin Foster Care training in February barring any unforeseen circumstances or events...we simply want to be ready, trained, and legally able to take in whomever is meant to be in our care, regardless of them being overseas or right in our town.
It is times like these I wish I could glimpse into the future to know who you (our child/ren) are, what you look like, your name, and how we are supposed to find you, but I know that God has you in HIS hands until the time is right for us to have you in our home. You are already in our hearts and our love for you continues to grow as we seek to find you according to the great desire God has given us for you!!!
Our next leg of the journey is pending; we will begin Foster Care training in February barring any unforeseen circumstances or events...we simply want to be ready, trained, and legally able to take in whomever is meant to be in our care, regardless of them being overseas or right in our town.
It is times like these I wish I could glimpse into the future to know who you (our child/ren) are, what you look like, your name, and how we are supposed to find you, but I know that God has you in HIS hands until the time is right for us to have you in our home. You are already in our hearts and our love for you continues to grow as we seek to find you according to the great desire God has given us for you!!!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Application Submitted!!
The application is in and training starts in January...I am excited to see what blessings we can give the lives of a child or children!! And of course we are excited about the possibility of adding to our family. It has been a bumpy road finding the right organization to work with and it is amazing to see our faith and perserverence leading us towards God's calling for our lives!
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