Today Tasha, a friend, asked me how I was doing. I am sure after I posted my long response she will think twice before asking me again!!! HA HA
This morning when I answered I felt a sense of hopelessness, slight uncertainty, and most definitely could feel disbelief. When I answered I felt like all the hopes and dreams I have of adoption are just that. But then came church.
I sat there and all of the sudden felt overwhelmed at the presence of everyone around me. Tall people, short people, skinny people, larger people, old, young, healthy, injured, happy, sad, black, white, tan, clean shaven, some I wondered if they had even bothered to bath, nicely dressed, scantly dressed, sloppy, as I am sure you are gathering the picture...all shapes, colors, types of people. I have heard the bible verse Psalm 139: 13-14...
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
I always have heard it, or have taken it to mean my physical appearance is wonderfully and perfectly made and that I should love myself for who I am and the body I was given, but today I think I got it. Our bodies are imperfect, some bodies are healthy some are not, they are fragile, temporary. I am not saying that there are beautiful people and ugly people in this world, but that God "sees us for who we REALLY are". I think the fearfully, wonderfully, beautiful parts that God made are our souls, the parts of us that will never die.
As I looked across the people with all our imperfections, I saw a room filled with beauty. Beautiful souls all loved with a love so amazing and incredible that He sent His son in exchange for us.
What on earth does that have to do with our adoption? Well not entirely too much other than it reminded me of the abundant love we are called to have for each other because regardless of what/who we are, we have souls that all were made by love and for love. God calls us to 'love one another as Christ loves us', that can be quite a challenge to love imperfect, moody, grouchy, and unlovable people. Today in service we learned about covenants. Covenants are not contracts that are made based upon agreements, rules, provisions and protections, a covenant is a one way agreements that does not hinge upon the other person's actions or response. Like a marriage vow, we make a covenant to our spouse to love them NO MATTER WHAT they do, how they look, how they act, and promise that we will not break that covenant even if they do not love us in return until death relinquishes us. And we hope, that our spouse will make that same covenant to us, but that does not guarantee an easy road. Life is filled with obstacles, sorrows flow into the times of joy, challenges and our human nature to make mistakes inevitably makes life tough. I made a covenant before God promising to love Judson Owen until one of us dies. At the time I loved him sure, but I don't think I 'got it'. I don't think anyone at the altar really does. Life is a long time, just ask someone spending a life sentence in jail HA HA HA.
I have had three major life changing desires in my life. The first was to chose Judson over a life without him. Our marriage came at a cost, it cost me a strained relationship with my family, my car, my schooling, my 'before Judson dreams'. At the time the price seemed so high, but an overwhelming urge/feeling told me it was right, and now looking back 10 years later I would have paid that price and more. A price I once thought so steep seems so trivial in the joys and growth I have had in my marriage. I still pray and very much love my family and I do believe that God is in control of that situation!
My second life changing desire happened on a cold January night in 2006. I, a person who NEVER wanted kids, had a dream of a little girl. She even named herself and called me mommy. I awoke the next morning knowing/feeling that I HAD to be a mom, I had to have a baby. My poor, sweet husband probably thought I was crazy but the feeling never died. I had been told I shouldn't and possibly couldn't have a baby but December 16, 2006, my literal dream child announced with a positive pregnancy test, that he/she was coming in 8-9 months!! When we found out is was a girl, we knew the name "Lorelei"...afterall she, or God rather, had named herself in my dream almost 1 year earlier. I look back now and pregnancy was unfun, I was sick, tired, fat, fatigued, and the birth was nearly nightmarish, but looking back I would do it all again even if I was more sick, more tired, more fat...my life as a mother is wonderful.
Now again I have a life changing desire. An overwhelming desire and love for a child(ren) that will not look like us. Almost 4 years ago I had the first initial desire to adopt. I envisioned a dark skinned child, a little girl. I knew instantly in my dreams she was "ours". It has been a long process and I have time and time again tried to skirt around it, tried to envision another, easier way. We even tried to do foster care to avoid the costs of adoption. But what we finally realized is that what God has called us to do sometimes sounds hard, seems expensive, and can take time which seems so dreadful in a world culture of 'give-it-to-me-now', but in the end it is worth it.
Today I was reminded of my feelings when I began my marital and motherhood journeys. They were tough and the price seemed so high, man were they ever worth it. I can't imagine my life without Judson or Lorelei and already I can't imagine my life without our adopted child(ren). I love this child already without sight or even a name. This process is expensive, adoption is, and if you aren't eligible for grants it can seem REALLY expensive, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt every ounce of time, effort, and money we invest is well worth it.
Entering marriage wasn't easy. It has had mostly great, amazing days, but there have been those of sadness, bumps, and bruises. Motherhood has also had it's share of blessings with a few mixed in moments of fear, worry, and doubt. Adopting a child from another race, country, culture will have it's own moments of anxiety, challenges, and tears, but I know from past experience that when we do what we are called to do, it is always more of a life-enriching blessing, and the valleys we experience throughout the journey only make us stronger, bring us closer, and enrich our lives in ways we never could have imagined.
I do feel like this process is taking forever, I do wish it to speed up, but I now have a different outlook. God has exchanged my feelings of hopelessness that this will never happen, to knowing it will. Perhaps my initial feelings this morning were because I know the blessings to come, afterall I got to hold hands in church with a man who has a heart and soul just as handsome as his exterior and hear about the day of a beautiful little social butterfly who often graces the backseat of our car with mindless chit chat and preciously off-key melodies. I am blessed and look forward to even more blessings that our adoption will bring us.
