finally

It is current 3:40 am and I am absolutely unable to sleep for the 5th night in a row.

You see 5 days ago we received 'them'.  These magical letters we had heard others receiving but we always felt so far away from receiving. PAIR letters. These magical letters grow families.

Oh the obstacles it took to receive these infamous white 8.5 X 11 inch, 2 page glories of wonder.  4.5 years, more paperwork than can fit in a file drawer, fingerprints...many fingerprints, doctor physicals, social work visits, TB screenings, vaccinations, police clearances, FBI clearances, back ground checks, financial documentation, certifications, training, readings, unicorn hair and leprechaun gold to be exact.

It started off in early 2011 when we asked for more information regarding an agency called America World Adoption (AWAA). In the middle of that year we had decided to pursue adoption through the country of Ethiopia.  All of this took place after a long attempt to be trained and adoption ready for the US foster care system that started in December of 2008.

We began pursuing dossier documents in 2012 and submitted them to Ethiopia in July 2012.  At the time our expected wait was 8-12 month to completion.  Through various, unavoidable situations and circumstances beyond our, or our agency's control, we waited. And waited. Oh go ahead and throw some more waiting on the pile...about 3 years worth...

Then the first sign of hope happened. Our referral.  Two precious little girls had been identified as a perfect match for our family and just seeing their faces for the first time, I had to agree.  They were indeed ours. I felt it with every fiber and stitch of my being. Those were the daughters of my heart I had began pursuing in 2008, they were the missing pieces our family needed.

At that point PAIR came into play.  We had to 'patiently' wait for documents to materialize that would allow us to submit our adoption paperwork for these girls to be reviewed by both the Ethiopian governments and the US governments.

There were weeks with no updates, no great news, and definitely no progress, and days when we would hear of a single document coming in hand.  Weeks and months where there was no movement due to rainy seasons, court closures, traveling personnel, etc...We had to learn to cling to small signs and windows of hope.  Eventually all the necessary papers came in, the necessary clearances and court documents from Ethiopia and we could submit our paperwork to the US side.

As much as I am aware of the mysterious "Murphy's Law", it seemed to rain on our parade throughout much of this process.  MANY clerical and typographical errors were made from our names, to dates of birth, to addresses, to email.  I kid you not a document had Judson born in 1918 and we had a Florida address with a New York zip code!

Eventually all criteria were met, satisfied, documented, and sent to whatever fragments of our 3 addresses we have held since beginning the process and divinely made there way to our home.  The magical PAIR letter. The letter that means all participating parties in this adoption agree that these girls need a new forever family and that we can be that family, and obviously we hold ZERO issues with this and cannot wait!

So the PAIR letter comes on a Saturday when I am away from my mailbox-stalking-seat.  So I didn't sleep mainly from excitement of submitting this to receive a court date (read MEET the girls and legally become their mom!!!!!!!!) Monday morning we receive word from our agency that those sneaky angels had saw the letter over the weekend and had been looking into it.  Naturally Ethiopian court was closed Monday and Tuesday that week, BUT they had hope that we could get a date that would mean leaving that same week to meet the girls and go to court, but the catch was we wouldn't know for sure until court reopened that Wednesday.  Knowing we 'may' have to leave Thursday we took a huge step of faith and purchased non-refundable tickets and anxiously, I mean patiently, awaited the word on Wednesday.

Wednesday.

We are on the docket.  We are heading to Ethiopia! We will be a family of 5 just before Christmas. And the day we get the blessed confirmation?!?! My birthday. The same day I received confirmation that I was going to be a mom for the first time back in 2006 to our currently 8 year old bundle of awesomeness with a splash of drama and charisma!

Finally.

I dreamed a dream in 2006 that led me to go from being a school & career driven individual to melting my heart towards motherhood.  In 2008, I had a similar dream that led me to believe I would be a mother to at least one child that would not be my own, which began our adoption journey.  I often wondered along the painfully long road why I just didn't desire to try and have more children.  I thought of how many kids I could have 'had' in the time, but in April of 2015, when I saw their faces, I knew THAT is why I never had that desire, THEY were the children meant for us!  God knew all along and carved and designed our hearts to desire adoption.  Had we not have followed those little whispers of our calling back in 2008, we could have missed out on all the critical knowledge, training, emotional and spiritual learning we have obtained during our long, intense wait for these girls.  Adoption takes more than finances(not all adoption is expensive) and paperwork (there is lots no matter WHAT or HOW you do it), it stretches who you are, it brings aches and pains, and longings, and sadness, but it also brings joy and hope and an enrichment of who you are if you allow God to work through the dark and arid places.

My husband has always had this beautiful peace about it all.  A faith, to this day, I wish I had. A reassurance that whatever is meant to be will be and God will work it all out.  I stressed over the cost and paperwork and moving, but he was steady.  His faith and patience were formed better than mine!  I have struggled, longed, cried, begged, cried, hit my knees more times than I can count, cried, cried, cried, did I mention I cried?  I went from being a person that rarely let people see that side of me to be a blubbering baby. And that's ok.  I learned to lean on people, to ask people to pray, to admit my struggles and doubts, to learn to cry in front of others, to allow others to know I didn't have it all together (sadly once I learned this freedom, I may have taken said freedom to extreme HA HA).  I became ok being flawed, being impatient, being emotional, and I hope when this is all said and done I can look back and see that my faith has grown, that I have grown, and that I have learned.

We leave tomorrow morning to begin our journey to meet our girls in a few short days.  I can't believe it.  A moment that started over 7.5 years ago is about to see fruition. Tangible, tactile fruition that isn't mounds of paperwork, but two precious beating hearts with the most amazing smiles.  I will be a mother again, my daughter will be a big sister, and my husband, well my poor husband will be engaged in even more tea parties, doll dress up, and daddy daughter dates, and I have a feeling for every stitch of longing I have had during this process that he has done so smoothly will catch up when the first boy who wants to marry one our daughters comes into view. In fact I often tease him about the idea of our girls marrying one day and I can see him squirm with anxiety...I know you shouldn't tease people, but it is kind of a relief to see this strong faith, stoic man crumble with the idea of having to walk a daughter down the aisle.  I have a feeling his growth in faith will be a few years in the making HA HA HA!  But for now, we reveal in the joy of preparing our hearts and home for these 2 precious wee ones.  We know that this isn't the end of this journey. We just are finally starting a new chapter that will itself come with it's own set of challenges and journeys of faith and growth.  And we look forward to it with breathless anticipation!

paperwork...and then some more!

Adoption equals paperwork. Lots and lots of paperwork.

After all it is meticulously documenting the uniting of children to a forever family, so it is to be expected.  Also in the realm of adoption paperwork is delays, many delays. Since referral our agency here in the US and their counterparts in Ethiopia have been feverishly accumulating documents to submit our case to the US government in hopes of a favorable letter that will allow us to proceed in bringing our kiddos home.  As paperwork has come in, many have had errors. From translation, to bad reference numbers, to incorrect dates, we have had it all.

But...

Thank goodness for but!! But, all of our papers are in and we are submitted to the US government and hopefully due to the diligence of our agency, we will not have any issues and will receive the green light to proceed to the next step which is obtaining a court date in Ethiopia to legally adopt our kiddos!


Please be in prayer for us, specifically for these needs:

• no delays or requests from the US government parties that review our paperwork
• a fast court date issued by the Ethiopian courts
• prayers as we try begin preparation for our trip, including trying to schedule to meet with the kiddos' biological family to obtain photos, memories, and information about them we feel may be great to have as they begin to question where they were from and about their Ethiopian family
• that we can get moved into our new home quickly and make it home for our precious kiddos
• pray that we would have wisdom and discernment as we begin to make plans on what life will need to look like once we bring them home (adoption cocooning, when to integrate extended family, when to attempt school, etc...)

And then there was light...

Let me sum up the past 7 years.

2008

• Had a dream that led my heart to desire to expand via adoption
• Began researching agencies in North Carolina to certify us for adoption via foster. We chose (ok mainly I chose) foster care because it seemed easier and more affordable than other routes of adoption and we both new it would most likely not be an infant.

2009

• It took a while to find an agency to work with due to my husband's VERY busy, non-scheduled job
• Finally began training to become certified foster care parent
• again this took a while due to my husband's crazy job!
• COMPLETION...and waiting!
• As we were submitted and awaiting our confirmation as foster care parents, my husband accepted a job in Virginia

2010

• We moved.
• Virginia did NOT accept our training/certification although it was for the same number of hours and utilizing the same research and book training.
• We begin praying and both felt strongly led to International and began researching agencies.
• After praying (notice more prayer occurring while making decisions?!?!) we felt led to America World Adoption Agency (AWAA)

2011

• Began submitting paperwork for pre-application
• Accepted into AWAA and began praying (yep...more prayers) about where to go
• We felt strongly led in the direction of Ethiopia and began submitting paperwork to enter that country's adoption program through AWAA
• Officially accepted

2012

• Began building our dossier (paperwork sent to Ethiopia to show intent to adopt)
• July 27/2012, our dossier was officially in Ethiopia and the wait began

2015

• April 24, 2015 we got the most amazing phone call a REFERRAL!!!  
• Sadly I almost missed it because I 'ignored' the call.  In my defense, I have received upwards of 10 phone calls and texts any given day thanks to some guy named Larry who requested quotes from various loan agencies using my phone number. And I had saved the agencies number with a special ring, but it was from 'unknown caller' so I assumed it was for Larry...anyhoo, it worked out for the best, my husband arrived home shortly after and we were able to receive the phone call together along with our 7.5 year old kiddo! It was PERFECT!

Next steps

• Update all our dossier documents since they must be recent and ours are 3 years old. DONE
• Wait for all the necessary PAIR documents from Ethiopia
• Submit a request to the US Government to recognize these kiddos as our children, this is submitted alongside documents from Ethiopia called PAIR documents. Once we clear this stage...
• Wait for a positive referral from the Ethiopian MOWCYA
• We are passed onto Ethiopian courts and are given court date.
• This court hearing declares the kiddos as ours, once we pass court...
• We can either stay in Ethiopia or return home and wait for the US Embassy in Ethiopia to issue visas for the kiddos then we can bring them home or return to Ethiopia and bring them home.

So as you can imagine, we are on pins and needles hoping all the paperwork and powers that be, find our documents ok and we move quickly!!!! Thank you for your prayers regarding these next steps!

When the inside and outside don't match

Ever smiled when you didn't want to?  Ever answer the question "how are you" with an untruthful "fine"?  Ever muster a laugh while in conversation when you just want to sink to the floor and cry?

We've all done it.  But why?

We are called to "bear one another's burdens".  But if your like me, you find yourself unworthy of burdening others.  We fall prey to the enemy's cry that our problems do not warrant a shoulder to cry on,  that people have their own burdens,  that we should count our blessings instead of give moments to our troubles, take it to Jesus in prayer.

So,  at times,  we find ourselves bottling up, plastering up false facades,  becoming solitary when the sadness is too much, eventually finding yourself alone, tired,  weary, worn,  feeling beaten.  So if we have all been there,  how do we get out?  How do we unyoke our burdens,  unearth our buried sadness that has left such a deep stain in our emotional soil?  What do you do when your prayers and heavenward cries seem to go unanswered?   Where do you turn when the Bible seems to be written in some secret code?  Who can you talk to when you have estranged yourself because it seemed easier to 'go it alone'?

Today I looked over our 6 year journey of adoption and talk about emotional journey. There were some real highs of hopeful expectation and some cries for relief  from the emotional stress. Today I am in a low.  I had hopeful wishes for our adoption journey this past Christmas, which came and went without any sign, glint,  or glimmer.  I heard it a million times, " adoption isn't for the faint of heart", but like the new-parent cliché  "they grow up too fast"....it's true!  As well as another I can currently attest to "when it rains it pours".

In the past, I have unburied myself by setting my sights on dates /situations, it  works until that date/situation comes around and expires without your expected outcome.  I have found it unwise to set your hopes on things outside of your control.   Also over this journey I have learned what little control we have in our lives.  I have also vested into the Bible and prayer which have sometimes not been as clear as I had hoped. *please note I am not saying do not invest yourself in prayer and scripture... investing in those things will NEVER return void, but you may not see, hear,  read clear narratives or directives on your situation*