I don't really know how to begin this post.
This adoption journey has been arduous, long, long, and did I mention long?
During this process I have prayed that my desire would change, that Judson and I would no longer 'want' to adopt. I have wanted to give up a million times but there is something in me that can't. Like most modern day people I am used to things being quick and patience is a virtue I have heard of but would rather not have need for. This journey has required much patience, and as I have learned to become patient, I am finding even more important than patience, this journey requires faith.
Merriam Webster describes faith "as firm belief in something for which there is no proof: complete trust", which is very similar to the bible's definition of faith in Hebrews 11:"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."
I am constantly being reminded of the need to be patient, be full of faith and trust. My husband has been a huge source of these principles. His faith and patience are so remarkable and his words have been so encouraging on my 'bad' days. When we get discouraging news, he is so quick to have the right words that remind me where my focus needs to be.
God has also reminded me in tangible ways. We heard talk of the Ethiopian government shutting down international adoptions and while waiting to hear of their course of action. I went immediately into sadness and despair, my husband was calm as a cucumber, content to wait for the news. When I would question him about what if they do close it, his reply was simple, we will pray about where we are supposed to go/apply next. I was contented with this, I was sullen. At just the right moment when I needed a peace about where we were in our adoption, a chance encounter with a sister of our first family coordinator. Who would have thought 'peace' would have come from a stranger asking me about dryer sheets in a local Target?!? I needed that confirmation and God provide it. After meeting her, I felt total peace, joy even, that we were with the right organization, the right country, and precisely where we are supposed to be. Even my husband got to sit beside a very chatty 12 year old on his last trip who was adopted and was very encouraging to him about how she felt being the adopted one.
Yes, Ethiopia still may shut down adoptions and at that point we will pray and seek God's wisdom. As my husband said, maybe this was a test of our willingness, obedience, and we must keep our faith.
During one prayer (of many) that I have had about how long we have been waiting since our initial calling to adopt. God reminded me of Abraham and Sarah. I can't imagine hearing God's promise at that age and still waiting years and years more to see if fulfilled. But HE did, HE fulfilled the promise he made. I am sure that Abraham and Sarah wanted that desire to be filled years and years before it came to pass, but I am having to learn that He is always at work and He has never abandoned His promises.
Today during my devotional I came across scriptures regarding the Israelites and their journey from a life of slavery to requiring faith in the desert wanderings to the battles needed to claim their promised land. It may seem unfair that they were slaves, then had to wander for years through barren deserts, then had to fight...FIGHT to claim the land that God had promised them before they left Egypt. What can often be missed is the provisions made, from crossing the sea, to the food and water provided EVERY day in the desert, to the ability to win their land, God was there and He provided.
I am trying to remember that points/stories in my life are like a giant canvas. During the painting I am just a little dot on the canvas and sometimes all I can see around me is darkness, grays, blacks, even mounds of paint looking like impassible mountains, but what I have to realize is that one day He, the painter, will be finished with this 'story' of my life and I will be able to leave the canvas and stand and see the work in it's entirety. When I thought there was only darkness, I find it is the shading to a beautiful scene. Without those areas of shading and darkness, a portrait would be dull, lifeless, without character or depth. There are times in my life I see nothing around me only blank canvas and I wonder is He even here, but those are the last pieces to be completed. He knows that if I see too much I may fear the road ahead, or not want to continue on. Sometimes I think He knows our heart or our character needs work.
The dark spaces of our lives are never fun. They are difficult, challenging, even frightening, but without them where would our testimonies be?
All I know is He IS at work on this adoption masterpiece, He has never left, and even if it seems so dark and grim, there is a beautiful scene waiting to be displayed in the gallery of my heart. And I cannot wait to testify to His faithfulness and begin the next canvas, the next piece to the puzzle! When I start to think and worry about what the next 'canvas' ahead may bring (bonding, language, family adjustment), I have to remember that “Don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time." Matthew 6:34
