It is current 3:40 am and I am absolutely unable to sleep for the 5th night in a row.
You see 5 days ago we received 'them'. These magical letters we had heard others receiving but we always felt so far away from receiving. PAIR letters. These magical letters grow families.
Oh the obstacles it took to receive these infamous white 8.5 X 11 inch, 2 page glories of wonder. 4.5 years, more paperwork than can fit in a file drawer, fingerprints...many fingerprints, doctor physicals, social work visits, TB screenings, vaccinations, police clearances, FBI clearances, back ground checks, financial documentation, certifications, training, readings, unicorn hair and leprechaun gold to be exact.
It started off in early 2011 when we asked for more information regarding an agency called America World Adoption (AWAA). In the middle of that year we had decided to pursue adoption through the country of Ethiopia. All of this took place after a long attempt to be trained and adoption ready for the US foster care system that started in December of 2008.
We began pursuing dossier documents in 2012 and submitted them to Ethiopia in July 2012. At the time our expected wait was 8-12 month to completion. Through various, unavoidable situations and circumstances beyond our, or our agency's control, we waited. And waited. Oh go ahead and throw some more waiting on the pile...about 3 years worth...
Then the first sign of hope happened. Our referral. Two precious little girls had been identified as a perfect match for our family and just seeing their faces for the first time, I had to agree. They were indeed ours. I felt it with every fiber and stitch of my being. Those were the daughters of my heart I had began pursuing in 2008, they were the missing pieces our family needed.
At that point PAIR came into play. We had to 'patiently' wait for documents to materialize that would allow us to submit our adoption paperwork for these girls to be reviewed by both the Ethiopian governments and the US governments.
There were weeks with no updates, no great news, and definitely no progress, and days when we would hear of a single document coming in hand. Weeks and months where there was no movement due to rainy seasons, court closures, traveling personnel, etc...We had to learn to cling to small signs and windows of hope. Eventually all the necessary papers came in, the necessary clearances and court documents from Ethiopia and we could submit our paperwork to the US side.
As much as I am aware of the mysterious "Murphy's Law", it seemed to rain on our parade throughout much of this process. MANY clerical and typographical errors were made from our names, to dates of birth, to addresses, to email. I kid you not a document had Judson born in 1918 and we had a Florida address with a New York zip code!
Eventually all criteria were met, satisfied, documented, and sent to whatever fragments of our 3 addresses we have held since beginning the process and divinely made there way to our home. The magical PAIR letter. The letter that means all participating parties in this adoption agree that these girls need a new forever family and that we can be that family, and obviously we hold ZERO issues with this and cannot wait!
So the PAIR letter comes on a Saturday when I am away from my mailbox-stalking-seat. So I didn't sleep mainly from excitement of submitting this to receive a court date (read MEET the girls and legally become their mom!!!!!!!!) Monday morning we receive word from our agency that those sneaky angels had saw the letter over the weekend and had been looking into it. Naturally Ethiopian court was closed Monday and Tuesday that week, BUT they had hope that we could get a date that would mean leaving that same week to meet the girls and go to court, but the catch was we wouldn't know for sure until court reopened that Wednesday. Knowing we 'may' have to leave Thursday we took a huge step of faith and purchased non-refundable tickets and anxiously, I mean patiently, awaited the word on Wednesday.
Wednesday.
We are on the docket. We are heading to Ethiopia! We will be a family of 5 just before Christmas. And the day we get the blessed confirmation?!?! My birthday. The same day I received confirmation that I was going to be a mom for the first time back in 2006 to our currently 8 year old bundle of awesomeness with a splash of drama and charisma!
Finally.
I dreamed a dream in 2006 that led me to go from being a school & career driven individual to melting my heart towards motherhood. In 2008, I had a similar dream that led me to believe I would be a mother to at least one child that would not be my own, which began our adoption journey. I often wondered along the painfully long road why I just didn't desire to try and have more children. I thought of how many kids I could have 'had' in the time, but in April of 2015, when I saw their faces, I knew THAT is why I never had that desire, THEY were the children meant for us! God knew all along and carved and designed our hearts to desire adoption. Had we not have followed those little whispers of our calling back in 2008, we could have missed out on all the critical knowledge, training, emotional and spiritual learning we have obtained during our long, intense wait for these girls. Adoption takes more than finances(not all adoption is expensive) and paperwork (there is lots no matter WHAT or HOW you do it), it stretches who you are, it brings aches and pains, and longings, and sadness, but it also brings joy and hope and an enrichment of who you are if you allow God to work through the dark and arid places.
My husband has always had this beautiful peace about it all. A faith, to this day, I wish I had. A reassurance that whatever is meant to be will be and God will work it all out. I stressed over the cost and paperwork and moving, but he was steady. His faith and patience were formed better than mine! I have struggled, longed, cried, begged, cried, hit my knees more times than I can count, cried, cried, cried, did I mention I cried? I went from being a person that rarely let people see that side of me to be a blubbering baby. And that's ok. I learned to lean on people, to ask people to pray, to admit my struggles and doubts, to learn to cry in front of others, to allow others to know I didn't have it all together (sadly once I learned this freedom, I may have taken said freedom to extreme HA HA). I became ok being flawed, being impatient, being emotional, and I hope when this is all said and done I can look back and see that my faith has grown, that I have grown, and that I have learned.
We leave tomorrow morning to begin our journey to meet our girls in a few short days. I can't believe it. A moment that started over 7.5 years ago is about to see fruition. Tangible, tactile fruition that isn't mounds of paperwork, but two precious beating hearts with the most amazing smiles. I will be a mother again, my daughter will be a big sister, and my husband, well my poor husband will be engaged in even more tea parties, doll dress up, and daddy daughter dates, and I have a feeling for every stitch of longing I have had during this process that he has done so smoothly will catch up when the first boy who wants to marry one our daughters comes into view. In fact I often tease him about the idea of our girls marrying one day and I can see him squirm with anxiety...I know you shouldn't tease people, but it is kind of a relief to see this strong faith, stoic man crumble with the idea of having to walk a daughter down the aisle. I have a feeling his growth in faith will be a few years in the making HA HA HA! But for now, we reveal in the joy of preparing our hearts and home for these 2 precious wee ones. We know that this isn't the end of this journey. We just are finally starting a new chapter that will itself come with it's own set of challenges and journeys of faith and growth. And we look forward to it with breathless anticipation!
