This has been a HARD week. I cannot begin to count the tears cried or the times I have broken or nearly broken into streams of tears. I miss our child, the one we do not yet have a face/name for, the one who probably has NO utter idea who we are, or that we love them immensely.
I am writing this LONG post to detail our journey to right here. We have been planning and pursuing adoption in some fashion or form for 4 years now, but we have been pursuing God's plan of adoption for us since last fall. Our dossier was sent to Ethiopia July 27, 2012.
Now we wait....and wait...
I know that 'technically' we have not been waiting all that long, but it has been an emotionally vested journey for 4 years and those 4 years are beginning to take a toll. Here is the long story....
In January 2008, I felt my heartstrings tugging for another child. I didn't know how, who, what, but I felt that inner drive for motherhood again. I had a dream and in that dream all I saw was a blurry family portrait, apparently I was the photographer HA, it was Judson, myself, Lorelei, and someone I did not know but it was obvious they were not a biological match to us. I decided to share that dream with Judson and in conversation we talked about adopting, if we could ever or should ever. Something clicked but me, being me, thought how could we, it is time consuming, money consuming, too many uncertains for this type A personality!
So I did what was 'logical' in my mind, and easier, we tried to have a child, after months of no such luck, and each month, unlike my drive to have our first, there was almost a sense of relief when I would find out I was not expecting. I knew deep down inside I wanted, desired, craved to be a mother again, but it wasn't supposed to be this way. Judson and I again had a talk and decided to look into international adoption since we both felt a peace about that. We applied for information for Haiti. The agency kept pushing for deposits even after we found out I was not old enough and even though we had been married a while it was not the 10 year minimum they had at the time. The push for money to start an adoption that would never be processed left a bitter taste in my mouth about international adoption.
Judson a little while later brought up foster care. It felt awkward to me, but I thought, Judson's interested, it's nearly free, why not? It took FOREVER to find an agency that was willing to offer flexible training for Judson's 100+ hour on-call work schedule and it took a while to get trained. As I became more comfortable with foster care, Judson became more uneasy. Then we were informed Judson was being promoted and we were moving to Virginia. TWO days after this news, we get a call that we were official North Carolina foster care parents, followed by the disheartening news that Virginia was the only neighboring state that did not accept NC training. Let's just say, when you don't do things God's way there is never unity and he will throw you in the belly of a whale (for us, having to move from a place we loved).
The next 3 months were painful, we were living in a nice home, in a nice small neighborhood, in the middle of nowhere; it took 25 mins to get to a town. The subdivision had a community well/water re-processing plant and we were in the first home from the re-processing plant. My daughter's BEAUTIFUL gorgeous strawberry blonde ringlets began to fry and frizz and break from the extreme chlorine and hardness of the water. We had to wash our hair with gallon jugs of store bought water and limit water exposure because your skin would start to burn. We were living on air mattresses and out of a few suitcases and the heat decided when it would or wouldn't work and it was a COLD winter. Both of our dogs gained weight, even they were depressed LOL!
After looking at 200+ houses online and looking at a lot, we had narrowed our search to 5 homes. One was a home that was WAY out of our price range, and I thought that house impossible and unnecessary Judson kept printing and getting flyers from our realtor and I kept throwing them away. Then we declared one weekend THE weekend we were going to put a contract on one of those homes. EVERY home sold either while we were still touring them or on our way back for a second viewing except for the one I was adamantly against, not that it wasn't a good home, oh no it was great, it was beautiful. Later on that day, I had one of life's "get-real-with-Jesus" moments. With two shower caps on I sat in the shower, skin burning, crying. We couldn't find a home. I finally gave up, something I should have done a long time ago. I gave up and told God to take over, I quit! I was confused, where were we going to live, should we still adopt? I cried out, "I don't know God but you do and I quit...you tell me. Wherever you want me to go, wherever you want me to live, whatever the cost/sacrifice...I surrender. I will go, I will do, I just need you to lead." I meant it, I was tired, I was weary and I was clueless as to what to do next. The next day Judson still was interested in that last home, so he said, let's just offer what we can afford and see what happens, I, still thinking they would never accept and too tired to argue, said sure. They accepted. For crying out loud?!?!!?!? I was floored. Then we had to find financing, again I was doubtful, Judson sent out umpteen applications they all replied no...but the last one said yes. At that point you would THINK I would open my eyes and see that what God designs, he prepares a way for. But no, I am stubborn.
God had already started in my heart to begin applying for adoption agencies information. I asked online for any agency suggestions and a former pastor's wife (who was adopting from Ethiopia) offered advice/support if we chose Africa. I told her we were not interested in Africa at that time...Funny and Ironic! I was unsure of how vested Judson would be willing to be, he loathes travel by car, by plane...just not his cup of tea, especially since his job revolves around it. I knew international was both expensive and time consuming. After receiving a few brochures from various agencies and trying to find the easiest and most affordable route, Judson saw me muddling over them and just said, "pick something and go with it". I had too many doubts and reservations about making the wrong move again. I asked him about international, thinking he would say no, instead he asked where. I said I was thinking South America, India, or Africa, again thinking he would say something to the effect of no. He just said, let's pray about it and make sure this time we know the right thing. See a pattern of me being a doubting Thomas only to get proven wrong? Again why am I not getting this?
Shortly after that we were moving in and looking for churches and still chewing on the idea of the adoption who/where/what's. I began talking with Judson to see if he had ANY clarity or direction and I began expressing my concerns about the length of travel and costs associated with international. Judson, my amazing husband, gave me the look of utter disappointment and said "don't you think God will take care of the money and travel, if it is His will?" I melted, how could I doubt what God could do? I was just so impressed with the willing heart my husband had. He didn't care about the travel and he wasn't concerned with the costs, he had utter faith that whatever God called us to do, he would provide the motivation, desire, and finances. All this time I was fearful of Judson's stance when it was ME!!!! YAY!! I got it, I needed to have faith and willingness to move...wahoo, only took God reminding me how many times?!? So our prayers switched to asking God to be direct and very evident because we needed to know what His will was.
One Sunday on the way to church, Judson stopped to get the newspaper which isn't unusual but 90% of the time it sets there until we return home. He sat it in my lap and the front page article was about the rise of Ethiopian children being driven to orphanages due to the severe drought and famine. I, although book-smart, often do not 'get' things. At church we stood in line at the coffee bar because Judson wanted coffee, about half way up the line he ask if I have any money, it was one of those "whose on first" moments. "I replied, no, don't you", "no, that's why I am asking you". "Well Judson why are we in line?" "I don't know, are you sure you don't have a dollar?" "Yes, how are you going to get coffee if we don't have money"...well this conversation went on way too long until it was our turn at the coffee counter. The coffee point blank in front of my face ETHIOPIAN blend. Still uncertain I sat through church praying. Later I asked Judson about and showed him the AWAA pamphlet on it and his reponse "send off the application". When I mention you had to send in money with it, he never once asked how much, just replied again to do it. The process for paperwork, although confusing at times, went really smoothly and faster than we anticipated.
We have had a peace about Ethiopia and knowing that is so comforting, but now that there is not paper work and busy work to keep our hands/minds focused on. I find myself tired and wanting that precious referral call. Every time that I hear the wait has increased I tend to get disheartened, but God through my precious husband who has the patience of a saint on most things, and my loving friends, and family, remind me that God's timing is the best, it is in fact perfect. He is Sovereign and nothing will delay His will. When I feel like the length of time is my 'fault' for fear and trying to do things the easier way, they lovingly remind me that God doesn't punish and He knew I would be stubborn and fearful. He has had a masterpiece in the works for a long time and it will be as He intended!
Although I don't have a face, and we don't know if our little girl will have a sibling come alongside, she/they are EVER so real to me, tangibly so. I love them, I mourn for them as if they have been in our family and have been gone away for a bit too long. I know they may not love us right away and they may never feel like a part of our family, and know there are a million scenarios, but I have learned that I HAVE to do what God has called me too, not only will he throw you in the belly of a whale till you surrender, you can't have that peace that passes all understanding when you are trying to control your own life. I know there will be adjustments, chaos, stress, but every life change does and just like always He will give just the right amount of resources, strength, and grace. I just know that I have to do my part and know that the only thing I can control, is making sure I am not in control, but that HE is. Because whatever work He begins, He will see it to fruition and the Bible promises that "He works all things together for the good, for those that love Him". I trust Him and even though this week has been HARD and my patience is shredded, I must trust that each day that passes is for a purpose and His will, will prevail and oh what a sweet day it will be to rejoice that all our emotional journeys have reached an end on the chapter of this adoption! At that moment a new book will begin to chronicle our tales of becoming a family....till that day I must find contentment with the numerous, overflowing blessing I have and peace that His will is being done, right now! Tomorrows worries and anxiousness will have to wait, for today has enough of it's own!
